Please God No

A full week after the Utah mine collapse that left six miners stranded, new help is coming in the form of Yahtzee boards and nationalization papers.

"There is only one thing that will kill a group of six illegal immigrant mine workers quicker than being buried under thousands of tons of coal," said Robert Murray in a news conference Monday afternoon, "And that's boredom."

"We want to make sure we give them every survival advantage necessary. We stopped the tunneling process more than 48 hours ago to concentrate our manpower on more pressing issues; Making sure every trapped miner was lowered enough entertainment and beef jerky to make it until we can reach them sometime in early November 2009."

"We also had the idea of lowering clip boards and immigration applications down the 8 3/4" tunnel we have already drilled. That way they will already be ahead of the game in the application for citizenship that will be required for them to sue us when they get out."
According to Murray, many other ideas were passed around the meeting table before the novelty snacks, paperwork, and games were settled on.
"Candles, pornography, and even blankets were all options on the table at one point during the discussion," Chuckled Murray. "Hell, Johnson even brought up the idea of sending down clean drinking water!"