Please God No

I'm sorry Alltel... My bad. I should have been more understanding. Why did I jump to such angry conclusions about your customer relations team and the service you do (or don't) provide. Attached are the emails that Alltel sent me to clear the whole situation up.

Me : "I just finished over an hour and a half worth of discussions with 7 different people with Alltel about my phone. I purchased a new phone 10 months ago from Midwest Wireless. Evidentally Alltel bought them out and my service changed. My web browser does not work (I am paying for it) and every time I send a text message now I get a text message sent back to me within a minute or so telling me the message has been deposited.
I have gone around and round with Sales, Technical Support, retention, customer service.
Finally I have been told that my Midwest Wireless phone is not compatible with your service. It is not my fault that in good faith I signed a contract with Midwest Wireless and you bought the contract from them and can no longer provide me with the service I am paying for.
After the last person I talked to there, a supervisor, they offered me a 1 year pricing on a new phone but I was told that I would have to replace all three phones even though I am not concerned about the other phone's text messaging or web browsing features.
There is nothing wrong with my phone and it is absolutely absurd to put the burden of making your system work with it on me. I have been a MidWest Wireless customer for almost 8 years and this is the single most frustrating problem I have ever had with a cellphone.
I could count the number of times I called Midwest Wireless in 8 years on 1 hand. I have made more than a half dozen calls to you in the last 9 months and have transferred around, given conflicting information, and wasted hours of your time and mine.
I would like my phone to work with your
system or I would like a replacement phone
that works with your system. I'm not
completely opposed to paying a small price
but I am opposed to paying a penalty for
replacing a perfectly good phone that, by no
fault of my own, is incompatible with your
system. "

In defense of Alltel, they did not reply to me withing 8 days so I wrote the following note:
"I just wanted to make sure you got this message. I am not surprised you have not even responded to me in 8 days. I will be resending this message every 3 days until I get an answer."

I got a prompt answer to that email! Maybe they care about their customers.... or maybe not...
"Thank you for taking the time to email The Alltel Online Customer Service Center. My name is Kathryn, and I am pleased to assist you with information regarding your equipment.

I do apologize for the wait due to high email volume. I reviewed your account and it showed that you have been explained that you will need to update to an Alltel equipment in order to have your text messaging working.

If you will like for your text messaging to work, you will need to switch equipments. I do apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

If I can provide additional assistance, please let me know.

Again, we appreciate your business and thank you for choosing Alltel.

Sincerely,

Kathryn
Customer Service Specialist
The Alltel Online Customer Service Center"

Here is my response to my collective 5 hours of time trying to get everything amicably sorted out,
"What a wonderful and completely satisfying answer!!!! Did you write that all by yourself? It is awesome that you completely and accurately answered all my concerns about your service! Thank you so much for the individual attention you have given me!
Thank you for reiterating the obvious and providing absolutely nothing that could be considered an answer!
I am so happy I spend my hard-earned money with a company that is so customer-oriented and thorough as the Alltel customer support staff!!!!
You have earned my business and definitely offer the highest in customer service... I even wrote an article about it on my blog!!!! http://www.pleasegodno.com/
Fantastic! You guys rock!
Your letter made me believe that I was not only a customer, but I was a part of the Alltel network! Thank you so much!

I would like to talk to somebody in charge who did not graduate with a technical degree in bullshit and would love to address my concerns in an intelligable, thoughtful, and honest way. I am sorry this is not you. When you read my concerns, typed (more likely copy and pasted) them into a halfway intelligible sentence, and then sent me back an email containing these items. I thought.... All I wanted was cell phone service... but now it looks like I have a Harvard Laureate.
I am sure that your parent's would be proud of you if you sold drugs or sold your ass on the street, but to be an Alltel representative? TRAGIC!
You have not fixed, or even addressed, my questions. I thought I had hit an incompetent manager, but now I find out I have reached a staff, that when tested, has a lower understanding of customer service and business relations than Terry Shiavo. What a cocky, indifferent, asshole move you have pulled on me.
Your customer relations does not make you earn my business. Your customer support does not retain my business. You are the most absurdly incompetent, inefficient, confused, and utterly self-centered company I have ever had the experience of working with.
I pledge, that from this day forward, I will spend my days smearing your name through the mud, I will waste no expense defiling your name and telling everyone I know what a completely incompetent, absurdly unorganized, and shiftty organization you have. I am usually such a calm guy... And I have worked in customer service jobs for years.
You suck ass. You make every other company in the world that is trying to do the right thing look bad. MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES!!! "

Alltel sucks ass. They tickle your nuts and then don't even finish the job.. They will be on my radar until they fix this problem or go out of business.
Fuck Alltel