Please God No

The full back-and-forth of Tiger Woods conversation with porn star Joslyn James were released tonight after a horrific day of Tiger news. The transcript follows...

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course now.

Joslyn: Sent: 05:48 PM 07/30/2009:
You mean, the intercourse???

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Joslyn: Sent: 05:55 PM 07/30/2009:
Close enough to touch your penis and bake a casserole!

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

Joslyn: Sent: 06:10 PM 07/30/2009:
I am a famous trashy whore, everyone sees me!!!

Tiger:Sent: 06:17 PM 07/30/2009:
Just so you know i have to get up at 415 tomorrow.

Joslyn: Sent: 06:20 PM 07/30/2009:
I have to get up at 4:20....

Tiger:Sent: 07:30 PM 07/30/2009:
Just let me know when you are headed down

Joslyn: Sent: 07:48 PM 07/30/2009:
Sorry I was knitting and forgot to come down... Sorry... When I knit, I get all distracted...

Tiger:Sent: 09:46 PM 07/30/2009:
What time is car picking you up tomorrow

Joslyn: Sent: 10:48 PM 07/30/2009:
When the taxi company calls me.. You see, they said, they would call me. Weird huh. They must be busy and junk. Are your nuts still stapled to the wall?

Tiger:Sent: 01:14 AM 07/31/2009:
Yes

Joslyn: Sent: 01:22 AM 07/31/2009:
I will come pry them off (again) *sigh*

Tiger:Sent: 01:27 AM 07/31/2009:
Did you get lost. Door is open

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
Sorry Tiger, Every time we staple your nuts to the headboard of a hotel room, I lose my pliers. It's like; at this point you sho

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
uld carry around your own pliers. Unfasten your own nutsack from the bed!

Tiger:Sent: 02:16 PM 07/31/2009:
What time do you leave. Im trying to leave. Im trying to get back

Joslyn: Sent: 02:48 AM 07/31/2009:
I unfastened your nuts from the headboard, why do you care, you've had plenty of time to figure it out.

Tiger:Sent: 03:57 PM 07/31/2009:
Will back in 5. Let me take a shower and i will text you after

Joslyn: Sent: 03:59 PM 07/31/2009:
I can't leave because I am still chained to the bed upstairs. Remember? Wash your stinky ball-stapled ass off. Make sure to wash good.

Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)

Joslyn: Sent: 04:20 PM 07/31/2009:
I am chained to the bed dumbass!!!

Tiger:Sent: 04:22 PM 07/31/2009:
Hurry:)

Joslyn: Sent: 04:25 PM 07/31/2009:
Please refer to last txt about being chained to bed.

Tiger:Sent: 05:08 PM 07/31/2009:
I'm glad you came out


Joslyn: Sent: 05:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I had sex with 5 guys since your last txt.... One of them peed on me. Is that cool?

Tiger:Sent: 06:36 PM 07/31/2009:
Awesome baby. Be Safe

Joslyn: Sent: 07:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I love stapling your nuts to things a lot!

Tiger:Sent: 03:13 AM 08/01/2009:
Thank you sexy

Joslyn: Sent: 06:31 AM 08/06/2009:
Are you still jerking off?

Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM 08/06/2009:
In ohio playing

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/06/2009:
With your penis?

Tiger:Sent: 05:54 AM 08/09/2009:
I told you im playing these two weeks

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/09/2009:
Two weeks? When will you be done masturbating??

Tiger:Sent: 06:50 PM 08/09/2009:
In about a month

Joslyn: Sent: 06:42 AM 08/09/2009:
Will it take you another month to stop playing with yourself???

Tiger:Sent: 06:51 PM 08/09/2009:
Maybe sooner. Can't talk now. Will text when i can

Joslyn: Sent: 02:42 PM 08/13/2009:
I wish your nuts didn't taste like dirty socks

Tiger:Sent: 01:53 PM 08/13/2009:
Me to

Joslyn: Sent: 10:12 AM 08/20/2009:
Not everyone's penis smells like a dirty sock. Trust me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
I just got gang-banged by a midget in a cowboy suit while he was peeing on me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:35 AM 08/23/2009:
I hope so

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
The midget made me think about you... Totally....

Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me

Joslyn: Sent: 10:55 AM 08/23/2009:
Midgets arent really cheating, because their little bodies have no soul... Just like retards and people with Downs Syndrome.

Joslyn: Sent: 10:00 PM 08/23/2009:
Did you think about what I said earlier today?

Tiger:Sent: 11:00 PM 08/23/2009:
I totally agree

*****MORE TO COME******