Please God No

President Jimmy Carter recently shared his excitement about the future of Artificial Intelligence, it was reported Sunday.

"A.I. is so exciting and I can't wait to see where we are ten, maybe even twenty years from now", Carter was quoted as saying from his hospice bed.

"Definitely check back with me in a few years and I'd love to share my evolving thoughts on this subject".

In a desperate bid to liquidate an entire truckload of My Pillows, embattled election denier and business mogul Mike Lindell, was observed crashing through a heavily reenforced militarized checkpoint leading into the Gaza strip.

Updates as they happen.

In a awfully fun development today, it was revealed that "Grandma has myasthenia gravis I guess", according to Dad.

"Yeah, I guess that's a thing now", continued Dad, "It's kind of hard to say but it is a pretty fun word, try it".

No further information about grandma's diagnosis had been revealed at the time of this post.

...also like 5,000 other people dead.

In a surprising move Friday afternoon, senior Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh offered a glimpse of hope to missing and abducted victims of the recent Mideast uprising.

"What the fuck happened to Amy Grant anyway", Haniyeh was quoted speaking through an interpreter this afternoon.

"I mean, fuck. Tell me where she disappeared to and I'll tell you where your people have disappeared to".

"All the cards are on the table - we are ready to negotiate. This whole thing could have been avoided - it's always been about Amy".

Amy Grant, a once beloved and cherished singer and songwriter made famous for her positive messages and songs about Jesus and love, could not be found for comment.

Discussions with mentally challenged individuals can be difficult. This can be especially difficult during confusing times like puberty or a systematic exterminating genocide war perpetrated by a terrorist organization.

Some tips to effectively communicate with your retarded Israeli child asking impossibly hard questions about life's simple issues.

1. Learn to speak Hebrew - Believe it or not, even a retarded Israeli child can understand concepts like "boom"! and "bang, bang, bang"!

2. Make sure the child can separate colors from one another and effectively use a wire-cutter and a Phillips screwdriver.

3. Reassure the child that Jesus simply could NOT exist or they would not; indeed, be retarded.

This is not a complete list but these three simple things can start the discussion on mind-numbingly complicated problems with even the most retarded of children.

In a stunning announcement, ex Whitehouse aide and woman at the center of Bill Clinton's presidential impeachment trial unveiled her slogan for her anticipated anti-bullying campaign.

"'Linda Tripp was a fat bitch'", Ms. Lewinsky announced during a spot on Good Morning America on Tuesday.

"Bullying is a very important problem to address, but Linda Tripp was a fat bitch", Lewinsky told a seemingly stunned Robin Roberts during the interview.

"Bullying is a plague that eats away at youth's self esteem and self worth in this country, and it needs to be addressed Robin", stated Lewinsky, "but even though she has unfortunately passed away, I still feel it is also important to address the facts. Linda was indeed a smelly, obese, no-good whore".

The segment was wrapped up quickly and sent to commercial. At the time of this writing, Ms. Lewinsky has not responded to our request for comment.

A tearful Sean Nienow admitted in an interview on Saturday that he might have "majorly fucked up" when it came to his business dealings and his post $600,000 loan from the government several years ago.

"I blew it", admitted Nienow, "I never thought they'd want their money back so badly".

"Apparently, they want to target a high-profile public official that is a month or two behind on payments", said the politician who is more than 30 months behind in his repayment to the Federal Government.

"Do you know what?? Fuck you guys! The fact that I stole all of this money from the government and have ignored their repeated attempts to settle have nothing to do with the fact that I am a Conservative politically-minded adult with a focus on self-responsibility and fiscal conservation".

Here is a letter I received recently. It was sent to me as well as a business that I trashed online...

Pleasegodno.com Team,

I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic for Pleasegodno.com

1. Your website Pleasegodno.com is not ranking top in Google organic searches for many competitive keyword phrases.

2. Your company is not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.

3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT for FREE.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company's website traffic and online reputation.

I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I think you should implement HTML5 designing and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

Sound interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Best Regards,
Ethan Lim
Asst. Vice President
(315)-895-1453
------------------------------------------------------------------
PS: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

OK, dude. You are not spamming. Great. You studied my website first and wanted to help with business promotion. Really? Did you notice while you were closely studying my website that I am not actually a business and I am not selling anything (not even advertising)?
Asshole.
Spamming asshole dickwad.
Not only did he send this to me via cc: , but he also cc:'d the veterinary clinic in town that I've sword Jihad on. What an asshole!
Good Luck, Ethan Lim... When you start selling drugs out of your parent's basement let me know. I am sure they will be more proud of your work than they are now.

Click on the link to read the whole pdf.Trulson.pdf

Running for Chisago County commissioner? Well let's see what his daughter has to say about him and his "family strong" values.

To whom this may concern-

With much thought and contemplation, I have decided to step forward as the eldest daughter to Darrel Trulson, and speak out about how I feel you should NOT vote for Trulson.

My father claims he has family values, and close relationships to his children-
How is it okay for him to claim such family values, when most of my childhood was spent watching him beat his children and claim it was discipline. My sister and I are scarred and traumatized by his emotional incest and inappropriate sexualized contact. You should make one question a priority in this election…why was the Chisago County Sheriff called to Darrel’s home during my minor sisters’ visit this summer?

I do not approach this subject lightly; I have given this decision to come forward much thought and deliberation. This has nothing to do with politics but everything to do with decency and morals. I have a daughter to whom I am committed to protecting and therefore I will never allow him to have contact with her. I will never let anyone take her innocence away from her, like mine was taken from me.

Is this the type of person you want in office?

Sincerely, Lauren Trulson Ciambriello

Follow up - here is a transcript of the police report mentioned above.

Sheriff’s Report Darrel Trulson, Bob Barrett’s Campaign Manager


NARRATIVE



On July 13, 2012 at 1534 Hours I was requested to make phone contact with the Complainant, Deborah Sabara, at her place of employment in Interlachen NY.



I contacted Deborah who advised that her daughter (Minor Child) is visiting her Father, Darrel Trulson at 30619 Wallmark Lake Dr. Chisago City. She stated that she had spoken with (Minor Child) who told her that she is scared and wants to come home to New York. The reason is that her Father “creeps her out” by lying on top of her on the couch. Deborah requested a welfare check.



I responded to the address and was greeted at the door by Darrel Trulson. I asked if (Minor Child) was home, he stated that she was, and invited me into the residence; I noted the house was neat and clean. He called for (Minor Child) and she came to the entry way. I asked Darrel if it was OK to step outside with (Minor Child) so that we could speak in private, he stated that was fine.



(Minor Child) and I stepped outside. Once outside, I explained the reason for my visit. I asked her to tell me why she was scared. She stated she wasn’t so much scared as she was creeped out. I asked her to tell me why she was creeped out, she stated that when she lays down on the couch, her dad comes over and lays down on top of her. I asked what she thought when he does this. She stated that she thinks he is just playing around but that it creeps her out. I asked if she was afraid of getting hurt or if she thought he would hurt her. She stated that she was not afraid of that. I asked if she was homesick and she stated she was. I explained that I that I would not be able to help her get home to her Mother, that her Mother would have to work on that in New York, she understood this. I further explained that if she felt in danger to call 9-1-1.



I then had Darrel step out and (Minor Child) step back into house. I asked Darrel if he lies down on top of (Minor Child) when she is on the couch, he stated that he does do this and does it because that’s how he plays with the kids. I explained to him how (Minor Child) feels about this, that she is a 16 year old girl going from childhood to adulthood and that this act really bothers her and suggested that he not do that anymore. He stated that he understands and would not do this anymore.



I cleared the residence and called the complainant back and advised her of my findings.

Mark A Stovern

I left a nice, honest review of this place on Yelp. I received the following response...

"Thank you for taking time to explain your visit to Dickey's recently. We regret any dissatisfaction you have experienced. We assure you that we are anxious to retain you as a satisfied customer and we take great care to ensure that important matters such as this are properly managed. If you would please reply with your contact information we'll get it taken care of. Please accept our apologies in not meeting your expectations. We highly appreciate your feedback, as it will assist us in becoming better at Dickey's Barbecue. We hope for the opportunity to serve you again in the future."

I sent a three page letter detailing my bad experience at this restaurant but I decided to give it one last try.

On Monday, August 27, 2012, I pulled through the drive through one last time and I outlines my experience here.
"This is too strange to be true. After a letter from the manager apologizing I decided tonight that I would give them one more shot. I didn't expect much to be impressed, only the usual level of service you are given at a normal drive-through restaurant.
The coast was clear... There was not a single car in the drive through and not more than 2 to 3 people in the restaurant, time to STRIKE!
I pulled my car into the drive through and I ordered two pulled pork sandwiches and two orders of their waffle fries. The speaker at the drive through yelled at ear deafening levels "TWO ORDERS OF FRIES!!!"
After 3 minutes the young lady came back to tell me that they "were out of pork for the next half hour". I told her I would find something else to eat and she said "ok".
I want to leave a positive review for this place, I really do.
They are making it impossible and this has almost become a macabre game that I feel like I am being forced into playing.
I will get a decent meal from this place, and I will receive reasonable service. (I am going to say that out loud to myself for 5 minutes in the Shopko parking lot prior to pulling through here again).
Am I just that unlucky? Am I just cursed?!
I am too astonished not to think this is not just a bad episode of Punk'd or something. I will try again. Maybe in a week, maybe in a month.
If this happens one more time, I will think it's about time to "86" this restaurant."

I didn't post this until Yelp! took my comments off because they thought I was sabotaging a business... I guess they don't have any experience with a business this bad.

I think I am just saying what everyone else is thinking. Greedy Viacom cut off my channels on DirecTV. Guess what? I'll just pull your shows off of newsgroups with commercials already cut out.
Viacom is a nasty company that has pulled some of my videos on YouTube. (They were not original videos but were clips on THEIR SHOW that showed clips from another network (CNN)).
I think they are evil, I think they are greedy, I think they smell their own farts, and they can go fuck themselves. Shove all of your programming up straight up your ass. I don't blame DirecTV I blame you. If "pennies a day" = $50/year per customer, seriously give me a good rimjob and happy ending first.
I hope your sponsors are happy that they are paying to run commercials that now reach 20 million fewer people. It's not like you are offering commercial-free TV idiots. Fuck Viacom.

For the PDF version that is even better with side notes, NorthBranchVetSucks.pdf I'm so glad that the North Branch Veterinary Hospital found a company like Lexsynergy. Lexsynergy and more specific "Lexsynergy : Brand protection services" really have no idea what they are doing.
Let me take you back... a year or so ago, a user of ours posted this online review of their experience at the North Branch Veterinary Hospital.
Well, North Branch Veterinary Hospital was not too fond of this review because they thought that exposing their business practices on the internet might be bad for their business.
After some futile attempts to have the First Amendment right of free speech and subsequently the user's post removed from the site they pressed on.
With great effort and (I can only assume) great expense they hired an online reputation business. The company is located in London and is called "Lexsynergy". They claim that by whatever means legal (or not), they will repair legitimate negative reviews on the internet in exchange for cash.
Lexsynergy and more specifically Lexsynergy : brand protection services, shoots out form letters to the people that host websites for people like me who maintain small no-profit blog websites..
What Lexsynergy and more importantly the North Branch Veterinary Hospital should have both known, is that when you scam people and rip them off, your reputation on the internet will be sullied.
I am glad that the money that our poster posted to our website went directly to Lexsynergy, which; with this post, will probably further damage their reputation... Maybe they could have settled on a fair payment with the customer in the first place or try to make it right if there was a disagreement. What an idea!
So where to start? Well let's first say that a copyrighted image was "stolen" from their website... Copyright! That will get them! Click here for a story on over 500 websites use the EXACT SAME IMAGE AS THEM, and is free for download off of common license sites like photobucket, etc.
Scary!
They also stated that a photo of a man having sex with another man on a review of their services might hurt CHILDREN! WHAA! NOT THE CHILDREN!!! Give me a break. Who the fuck is looking up "North Branch Veterinary Hospital" except people that live in the area? NO ONE! I can only imagine a high school student doing a report on the North Branch Veterinary Hospital and vomiting all over the computer screen seeing a man pleasuring another man. Your demographic is not 8 year olds. 8 year olds would be looking at Barney and Dora the explorer, not the rates for castration of their pets, nitwits!
After the letter (to be nice), I replaced their "copyrighted" image with a nice drawing of a dog with a huge boner -----> and also replaced the picture of two men in a consensual relationship with a drawing of a dog with a huge boner raping a man... ------> But that was not enough.
The next day I received notice that someone (namely Lexsynergy or North Branch Veterinary Hospital), wrote me to claim that I was offending people by posting their name next to photos of dead dogs being sold for meat in different countries with the reference that I might trust these people more than the North Branch Veterinary Hospital.
This is where it stops.
It has come to light that even the President of the United States was fed dog in his diet growing up.
The pictures I posted were open-source common license photos of dog meat markets all around the world. Guess what bitches? You do not own these pictures, Wikipedia common license owns most! It's from a Wikipedia article dipshits. How dare you attack me for inappropriate pictures for information your kid can get from a Encyclopedia? Fuck the North Branch Veterinary Hospital and fuck you, Lexsynergy : Brand protection services. As a business, sometimes you have to accept the responsibility for ripping someone off. Once in a while you have to take your lumps and learn from it. I'm sorry our user thought your "hospital" and I would use HUGE quotes around that if I could, scalps dog fixes like a used car dealership, but it is not the end user's fault, it is yours!
If you provide bad service, say you're sorry and make it right! Don't hire an offshore agency that promises to fix your reputation... After all, it is a lot easier to maintain a bridge than to build a new one, and this bridge has gone from crumbling to collapsed.
As for Lexsynergy : Brand protection services, here is one of the single most unprofessional letters we have ever received. We hope you didn't pay too much for their services... at least hopefully less than $500, the amount you ripped the user off. Please find exhibit A, the letter with highlights and makups and stickynote posts (in PDF format) so you can see for yourself what you paid for, an unprofessional, ambiguous, and poorly-written demand to my ISP.

I would trust this South Korean street vendor more than the North Branch Veterinary Hospital.













I would rather leave my dog in this meat vendor's pan in China.














This guy selling on the street in the Philippines is a better alternative than North Branch Veterinary Hospital.












North Branch Veterinary Hospital is less likely to take proper care of my dog than this rabid mut.












This woman in Hanoi probably has more compassion and respect for animals than the North Branch Veterinary Hospital.











Hell, this guy can watch my dog before I would ever trust her care to the folks at the North Branch Veterinary Hospital.


Here is an actual review (not my own) directly from Yelp (the only review on the site).

"I was VERY disappointed with this clinic. I couldn't have been treated worse. I had a Doberman who had retired from the show ring. So he wasn't a young pup anymore. On a Saturday evening I took him for a walk. He was strong. By Sunday morning he was showing signs of hip problems. By the afternoon he was paralyzed from the hips down. I called this "clinic" and was called back by the vet on call. He said it was probably just constipation. He continued to get worse and he was in pain. I called back and the same vet returned my call, he said again it was probably just constipation. He said bring my dog in the next day. Nikko got worse throughout the night until he would scream in pain if you just touched him. He was completely paralyzed except for his left front leg and head. The next day, Monday morning, I called again, I was told to bring him in. I told them he was in excruciating pain. They told me to wrap him in a blanket and carry him in. I got him down there and into the clinic they immediately diagnosed warblers disease. No kidding I had told the "doctor" the night before that it was warblers, he said no it was constipation. They put Nikko down. I knew they would have to. One of the vet techs rolled her eyes and actually said, "it's only a dog." Other vets would have come out to put him down. This clinic is horrible."

Terry Steindel, are you serious? I don't mean to pick on this guy but check out his latest website. He has the language skills of a 4 year old child immigrant. Dude, if you know you are completely terrible with words and the English language, call ME! I will help you with your proof reading. Oh my God, what a complete idiot. Terry.... Who is advising you? Your sentences are similar to a dog smearing it's ass across the carpet and then licking it up. "YOU, sir... Are un-American!" Click here to look at this idiot's latest website. I've highlighted some mistakes I've found. Can you find more?

Just wanted to give a big shoutout to my local Applebees. Their drinks suck. I sent a salt filled "margarita" back the other day and they told me that I shouldn't have asked for salt. WTF? Everyone enjoys a little salt on the rim of their margarita but I didn't ask for Lot's wife to fall into my glass.
Disgustingly weak and overpriced drinks, and semi-edible food.
"One and a half ounces of Tequila is all we can legally put in a drink... Bullshit...
When they are not busy serving infants Tequila by mistake they are harassing legal drinking-age folks from getting a good drink.
Everything that comes out of your fryer tastes the same.
Every drink that comes out of your bar tastes like piss.
Fuck you Applebees.

Ok... So maybe the tickets were free.
I don't normally spend my time talking or thinking about psychics or their proclaimed abilities, but last night I saw a guy that really takes home the "Gay Psychic Pissflap Award".
This fucking retarded pickle-kissing ass ramming shithead actually stood there with a straight face and told mothers that had lost their sons and people that were addicted to drugs, that they had evil "drug" or "suicide" spirits in them. "Do you feel your face getting warm, DO YOU FEEL YOUR FACE GETTING WARM? That's the spirits leaving your bodies. Now *snap* they're gone. Do you feel that? The warmness in your feet? Huh? Now you're better"... "Seriously ass monkey?", I thought to myself. "Seriously?"
Oh but it got better. This Mushroom-haired waterhead gave people advice... Like REAL advice, on things that he should NEVER be giving advice on. Topics like "I have a feeling my x will kill me". Guess what you precocious prick. We have a thing called "Law Enforcement", and we pay for them with our taxes. You actually agreed with her after she said "I feel like my X is going to kill me" with the statement, "Oh yeah he will".
People came to the microphone crying having just lost a loved one to suicide. He "helped" them by talking about chariots and "angels that swore" taking their loved ones to heaven because "he" had helped.
I guess this crook has some kind of 'in' with the big guy upstairs. After all; if there is a God, I am sure he picked a huge white afro wig-wearing, delusional, money-gubbing, potty-mouthed perverted asshole to do his bidding.
It would be one thing if he told people he was an entertainer, and nothing more... If he was even a half-ass good entertainer.
Unbearable. I met a lady in the hallway that stated, "Can you believe how horrible this is?"

Ok boys and girls... New mission. I want to collect all of the shitty toilet shots from your stool.
We need to collect your people droppings in digital format.
I want to know A) The country you are from B) Your profession, and C) Any special diet you are on and / or if you have a specific diet / intake preference.
Please send all photos to foxisevil@gmail.com and share your shit! Every poop counts. Please "pass on" your photos and we will give you credit.
With nearly 50,000 visitors per month, I think this mostly scientific study will be a "gas" to the medical community!
POOP ON!!!!
TK (Admin)

Congratulation to our first poo-poster! Amanda from NSW, Australia. She mostly eats grains and nuts and spends a lot of her time base jumping!!! Rock on, Amanda, thank you!












12-31-09 2:11 AM CST - Jim, from New Jersey, is a strong, proud, 30 year old pipe layer from New Jersey that enjoys vendor hot dogs and Wendy's... Thanks Jim for the quick response!

Shocking photos of Rick Sanchez were released Saturday night via the AP. The newly unsurfaced photos show the untouched photos of Sanchez holding a young Elian Gonzalez at gun point.
"I may call people a bigot, and I may accuse the Jews of running CNN, but at least I'm not too much of a Cuban to point a loaded semi-automatic gun at a Cuban's infant's skull", proclaimed Sanchez during a phone interview Sunday morning.
Sanchez, a CNN hero for his bi-lingual reporting and his no nonsense style of journalism continued, "All Jews and Heebs and Whops and niggers should leave me alone. I've done my part for my country, and they should do their part. Take one of your own and point a rifle at it's head. It is so exhilarating."
Sanchez, recently fired from his long standing role as the afternoon anchorman at the internationally syndicated CNN apologized to his wife and kids during this interview.
"I am sorry that bigot Jon Stewart got me fired. I'm sorry all of those Jews had me crucified, just like Christ."
"Who else can cover a Mexican standoff like I can? I can translate instantly to Americans the English version of a hostage standoff. Statistics have shown that I can say 'there I shot her' in less than two seconds after the hostage taker has actually killed the hostage on live TV. Who are they going to replace me with? Cheech Marin?"
Sanchez will be missed.

Update 4-17-2012 - Due to a threatening letter (see below), I have been forced to redo the artwork for this post. I think most will find them more tasteful. By the way, these are photos are fully protected by international copyright, so don't try to use them on your site, North Branch Veterinary Clinic!
My Dog wasn't feeling well, so I waited over the weekend to schedule an appointment with the local vet... I scheduled early and made a definitive time to bring her in.
She was feeling much better when we arrived but the doctor asked me if it was ok to do an X-ray, blood test, etc...
Of course, I could spend one or two hundred dollars on my old dog...
I checked out of North Branch Veterinary clinic one hour later with a dog who was pretty much the same and a bill for $420!!!!! What the fuck? Nobody ever told me that bringing my dog in for a routine examination would cost half a grand! She is 15 years old and I made it very clear to him that I didn't want to do anything heroic.. How the hell could I drop half a grand on a dog I cared (at the most) $100 about?
They ripped me off... they ran a bunch of tests that were neither asked or approved for. I am sure when they buy their new boats for their cabins they feel really good but $500 is a LOT of money for a 30 minute diagnosis.
To add insult to injury, he gave me an estimate for another $1000 worth of "exploratory surgery".
What a crock and what a bunch of money grubbing-thief assholes.... Don't EVER take your dog here. They will rack up a HUGE bill and will not let you leave until you pay it.
Fuck you North Branch Veterinary. Lick my hairy ass. If I had dealt with you before I wouldn't have been ripped off by your overcharging asshole antics.
Here is an illustration of what it felt like to give these crooks my hard-earned money.
Follow up by chiree@northbranchvet.com

"I would like to have the review that was posted on Aug 24th about North Branch Veterinary Hosp. removed from this sight (sic). The post has a very sexually inappropriate picture and is extremely graphic."

Update 4-17-12
Tsk, tsk... Someone doesn't like a bad review...


Since they claim copyright and exclusivity to the picture of the dog with the stethoscope, I did a little searching - and wouldn't you know it, there are a lot of places that are using their copyrighted image!
Here's some :
http://www.arkanimalhospitalinpace.com/
http://www.standalevet.com/
http://www.tustinsantaanaveterinaryhospital.com/
http://www.goldcanyonvet.com/
http://www.petsfirstvet.com/
http://www.coopervet.com/
http://www.eltorovet.com/
and more than 550 more sites... As far as the indecent image... There is a lot worse things than that on the internet. So not only did the North Branch Veterinary Hospital offer me horrible service, now their litigious for negative reviews? Click above to read the complaint... Which is a little hard to take seriously since it seems so unprofessional including various misspellings.

Gees, there are so many ways we could have titled this entry.... I guess we did what the first glass of wine told us to do.
In this day in age of tired gay rhetoric an nothing original coming out of the GLBT community, we were happy this week to hear that our gay steward(ess) pulled the most fantastic drama-filled gay prank this week by opening up the emergency door, deploying the raft slide, grabbing two beers, and singing "wheee!" as he left his career and his brothers behind him.
As this story develops, we will certainly keep tabs on what this gay maverick renegade is up to. But for the time being, we here at Please God No would like to say, "FAAAABBBUUULLLOOOOUUUSSSSS!!" Way to go Steve!

My Edge Pro - Total ripoff? Simply put, if this ends up on the first page of your local search engine, then yes, it does suck. I am so sick of their stupid commercials claiming they can make your bad reputation good again by burying it with positive information I just had to try. On their website here they claim to "Protect your good name online".
I am always leery of businesses like this. I just wanted to see if I could sully their "reputation". Hi Guys.

Update - After one day - Reputation Defender knocked me off page one of Google. hmmm, maybe they have found a way to game the system.

Wpate 7-8-10 = also again one page one of google. Fifth or Sixth result.... Suck it rip-off scam artists!

Hi Kids, have you ever tried the choking game? It is neat and sweeping the nation. All you have to do is take some deep breaths and then cut off your air supply. It is so much FUN and will either thrill you or put you on an autopsy table.
So here's the how to:

1st - Take several deep breaths in and out (10-15 is recommended) and then have a friend strangle you. See picture.
2nd - Enjoy the ride... You will either experience a great euphoria or a horrible but euphoric death... Either way, you win!
3rd - Hide the corpse of the friend you just killed. Find a location at least 2 miles from your house. I know an eighty pound kid is hard to carry to consider making the pieces smaller by using a hacksaw that can easily be obtained from you father or step-father's toolbox. After the corpse has been sliced into pieces, take it as far away from the scene as possible. It is also a good idea to chop your friend up in a remote location. If you need to

borrow

your parents car feel free. Make sure to wrap the body tightly as not to leave forensic evidence behind. If you have a deep lake or an ocean nearby all the better!
4th - Create an alibi, make sure your friends can vouch for you presence during the time of the accident. Come to your friend's house as close to the incident as you can and convince them you were stuck in traffic. DO NOT tell anyone about your choking game mishap.
5th - LIE to police
This second part is for parents if you find your child unconscious. Here is what to do.
If you actually are in love with your little brat follow this diagram. If you don't, pick them up off of the floor and choke them some more, just to make sure they are out of the picture.
If for some unknown reason you wish to resuscitate your child, please your hands (in a fist) into their sternum and pull hard enough to help but not hard enough to crack their ribs shattering rib fragments into their supple lung tissue.
The Choking Game is an institution. One that should be carried on for decades by our children and our children's children's. I hope I have provided enough information to make your next choking game a fun and entertaining experience.

I got a free "Onkyo Sucks Gadget" in the mail with my latest Newegg order for a new home receiver.
It was a "free" Ipod Dock that came with my new receiver.
Guess what, unlike 90% of the other losers in America I don't give a shit about how "cool" something may seem to be and I don't own an Ipod.
So I sold it... And I got a decent price, even if it was lower than the last 20 auctions that it had gone for.. I was stoked for the $70. because it was free!
So I listed it and sold it for $70, and eagerly spent my plunders on useless items such as bills.
Anyway, here is what ensued....

"You recently listed the following listing:

************** - NIB Onkyo UP-A1 Dock for iPod/iPhone sealed


The listing was removed because it violated eBay policy.


The rights owner or an agent authorized to act on behalf of the rights owner, Onkyo USA Corporation, notified eBay that this listing violates intellectual property rights. When eBay receives a report of this type of violation, we remove the listing to comply with the law.





We received a request from VeRO member Onkyo USA Corporation asking us to remove the item for:

- Listing(s) uses unlawful copy of copyrighted image and text.

For more information on why your item was removed, you should:
- Contact the VeRO member directly at Notifications@NetEnforcers.com with your questions or concerns.
- Wait 7 days for the VeRO member to reply to you. Please know that VeRO participants aren?t obligated to reply to your email
- If you don?t receive a response from the VeRO member, please contact eBay by simply replying to this email.

Members are not allowed to use images or text from another member's listings without that member's permission. Doing so may violate copyright laws.

In addition, text and images used on another website may be protected by copyright law. You should not copy and use text and images from another website without first getting permission to use that content. We encourage members to write their own item descriptions and take their own photographs.

If you have any more questions, chat with one of our policy
experts any time from 6:00 AM to 11:00 PM MST. Get started by clicking
the link below."

Ok , This thing's already out of the door, but how uncool? I wrote Onkyo a kind note,


"I don't care because this sold already, but is selling a product you manufactured copyright infringement? Give me a break. What exactly did I do? Did not getting express written permission from Onkyo to list a Onkyo product on Ebay and describe it? What a crock. You've just lost hundreds if not thousands of dollars of future purchases from me. I have owned three of your receivers and will never recommend them to anyone who asks ever again, all because you feel like I violated your rights by selling something you manufactured. Sorry I sold it for less than you do. I didn't want it!
Please tell me exactly what I did? Copyrighted image? NO! Copyrighted text? Give me a break.. did I describe it too accurately?
Shame on you guys. VeRO is a complete joke. I am sure Ebay doesn't even punish you guys for falsely taking down people's posts. I read an article saying it's happened only once http://www.tabberone.com/Trademarks/Vero/vero.shtml
and what's up with this?

"One study claims that up to 30% of VeRO-terminated auctions are bogus or questionable. 5% should be considered to be unconscionable but the eBay lawyers who conducted the VeRO seminar in Las Vegas at eBay Live in 2006 contended that there very few VeRO abuses. They pointedly avoided directly answering questions about how eBay was going to stop these "few abuses" while insisting they did not exist."

Disgusted Client...

The new sandwich unveiled by Kentucky Fried Chicken this week was best described as "Fatty", "Caloric", and "Yummy" by several participants this week.
"This is the sandwich to end all sandwiches", stated a 420 lb worker at KFC. "It puts together my 4 favorite ingredients... Fried chicken, cheese, mayo, and bacon"!
I have personally tried this sandwich and I will admit that (while sinfully delicious), this sandwich can not be good for your overall health. This sandwich was very filling and filled with slaughtered animals from every species, but lacked the mild taste of bear and goat.

The full back-and-forth of Tiger Woods conversation with porn star Joslyn James were released tonight after a horrific day of Tiger news. The transcript follows...

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course now.

Joslyn: Sent: 05:48 PM 07/30/2009:
You mean, the intercourse???

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Joslyn: Sent: 05:55 PM 07/30/2009:
Close enough to touch your penis and bake a casserole!

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

Joslyn: Sent: 06:10 PM 07/30/2009:
I am a famous trashy whore, everyone sees me!!!

Tiger:Sent: 06:17 PM 07/30/2009:
Just so you know i have to get up at 415 tomorrow.

Joslyn: Sent: 06:20 PM 07/30/2009:
I have to get up at 4:20....

Tiger:Sent: 07:30 PM 07/30/2009:
Just let me know when you are headed down

Joslyn: Sent: 07:48 PM 07/30/2009:
Sorry I was knitting and forgot to come down... Sorry... When I knit, I get all distracted...

Tiger:Sent: 09:46 PM 07/30/2009:
What time is car picking you up tomorrow

Joslyn: Sent: 10:48 PM 07/30/2009:
When the taxi company calls me.. You see, they said, they would call me. Weird huh. They must be busy and junk. Are your nuts still stapled to the wall?

Tiger:Sent: 01:14 AM 07/31/2009:
Yes

Joslyn: Sent: 01:22 AM 07/31/2009:
I will come pry them off (again) *sigh*

Tiger:Sent: 01:27 AM 07/31/2009:
Did you get lost. Door is open

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
Sorry Tiger, Every time we staple your nuts to the headboard of a hotel room, I lose my pliers. It's like; at this point you sho

Joslyn: Sent: 01:48 AM 07/31/2009:
uld carry around your own pliers. Unfasten your own nutsack from the bed!

Tiger:Sent: 02:16 PM 07/31/2009:
What time do you leave. Im trying to leave. Im trying to get back

Joslyn: Sent: 02:48 AM 07/31/2009:
I unfastened your nuts from the headboard, why do you care, you've had plenty of time to figure it out.

Tiger:Sent: 03:57 PM 07/31/2009:
Will back in 5. Let me take a shower and i will text you after

Joslyn: Sent: 03:59 PM 07/31/2009:
I can't leave because I am still chained to the bed upstairs. Remember? Wash your stinky ball-stapled ass off. Make sure to wash good.

Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)

Joslyn: Sent: 04:20 PM 07/31/2009:
I am chained to the bed dumbass!!!

Tiger:Sent: 04:22 PM 07/31/2009:
Hurry:)

Joslyn: Sent: 04:25 PM 07/31/2009:
Please refer to last txt about being chained to bed.

Tiger:Sent: 05:08 PM 07/31/2009:
I'm glad you came out


Joslyn: Sent: 05:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I had sex with 5 guys since your last txt.... One of them peed on me. Is that cool?

Tiger:Sent: 06:36 PM 07/31/2009:
Awesome baby. Be Safe

Joslyn: Sent: 07:15 PM 07/31/2009:
I love stapling your nuts to things a lot!

Tiger:Sent: 03:13 AM 08/01/2009:
Thank you sexy

Joslyn: Sent: 06:31 AM 08/06/2009:
Are you still jerking off?

Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM 08/06/2009:
In ohio playing

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/06/2009:
With your penis?

Tiger:Sent: 05:54 AM 08/09/2009:
I told you im playing these two weeks

Joslyn: Sent: 06:39 AM 08/09/2009:
Two weeks? When will you be done masturbating??

Tiger:Sent: 06:50 PM 08/09/2009:
In about a month

Joslyn: Sent: 06:42 AM 08/09/2009:
Will it take you another month to stop playing with yourself???

Tiger:Sent: 06:51 PM 08/09/2009:
Maybe sooner. Can't talk now. Will text when i can

Joslyn: Sent: 02:42 PM 08/13/2009:
I wish your nuts didn't taste like dirty socks

Tiger:Sent: 01:53 PM 08/13/2009:
Me to

Joslyn: Sent: 10:12 AM 08/20/2009:
Not everyone's penis smells like a dirty sock. Trust me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
I just got gang-banged by a midget in a cowboy suit while he was peeing on me...

Tiger:Sent: 10:35 AM 08/23/2009:
I hope so

Joslyn: Sent: 10:30 AM 08/23/2009:
The midget made me think about you... Totally....

Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me

Joslyn: Sent: 10:55 AM 08/23/2009:
Midgets arent really cheating, because their little bodies have no soul... Just like retards and people with Downs Syndrome.

Joslyn: Sent: 10:00 PM 08/23/2009:
Did you think about what I said earlier today?

Tiger:Sent: 11:00 PM 08/23/2009:
I totally agree

*****MORE TO COME******

Conan's last night was a noisy and reckless absurdity, reports a lucky insider that was inside Conan's Universal lot watching the last show Conan O'Brien is hosting.
"Conan then took out the Skull of Meat loaf and played it like a French Horn!!!!"
After reports of verified accounts recounting Conan "Fucking an audience member in the ear", and "Peeing on all of NBC's electrical equipment", our sources both verified that Conan calmed down.
"Wow, I expected a little more resistance from (Jeff) Zucker. I didn't even think he'd let me spray frothy urine into his wive's face... Weird..." stated O"Brien.

Listen (adoring name for spouse), you can (verb) my (self possessive taboo part). I do all of the (laundry) around here, and I will be (criminal assault) with your sister (quantifier of previous "verbal assault") monkey ((dog)) loving your babies for a (adjective) amount of time! Fine, I'll go to (noun), and you can (verb) your self and also other people that live close to us. If I see you (verb) milkman I will (verb) him with all of the terror that belongs in a sacred realm of (place). LOVE YOU!!!!

I just had the unpleasant experience of watching my childhood memories and dreams crushed in an agonizing 90 minute movie root canal of Biblical proportions. The movie theater atmosphere alone was a scene that resembled (what I would imagine) hell would be like. Screaming, crying kids running through the aisles crying and wailing at the pointlessly violent, pointlessly cliche, steaming pile of a movie.
To take a great childhood book that consists of 10 sentences and turn it into this 92 minute monstrosity of a film, with the backdrop of a single mom, a violent "monster" of a kid, and the stomach churning, sexually ambiguous, cgi-animated creatures.
Half the people left the theater before the movie was over. I am not kidding.
This movie sucked. It sucked...bad.

The garbage cans at the Hilton are smaller than an average dwarf's vagina. WTF am I supposed to put in there? I can fit three bottles, I can of pop, and an empty packet of beef jerky. What kind of garbage is that. If Hilton were smart, they would put a 50 gallon trash bag and can in the middle of the room... Because you know we're going to make a mess.
Chairman William Barron Hilton stated in a late Tuesday phone interview, "Our vagina garbage cans our one of our most popular attractions at our Hilton Hotels", "We are committed to garbage cans; while vagina-looking, can also accommodate one liter of garbage."
When pressed about the incredibly small - incredibly vagina-like-looking garbage cans, Hilton stated, "A good vagina shaped Hilton garbage can should be able to handle anything you could throw in it.... $100 bills, coins, and chunks of pure gold."
We here at pleasegodno.com freakishly had a different idea about what to throw in the "vagina" dumpsters"
"I'm going to put trash in it", stated frequent traveler and vagina-shaped garbage enthusiast. It's really about the impossibly small vagina-like shape and size of the garbage can - it's about trying to throw things into it from more than 10 feet away."
"Our Vagina-shaped waste-baskets are not for throwing things away - they are for practicing real-life garbage-throwing into an actual sized human vagina."


----AP

Liberty Helicopter Tours web developers were called in to take down the "Flying safely for over 20 years" banner from the entrance page of their website, it was reported Saturday.
"This sucks ass", stated webmaster Scott Clemons during a phone interview Saturday afternoon. "I was in bed sleeping this afternoon and all the sudden my phone started ringing. I ignored it but it kept ringing and ringing. I finally answered only to be told that 'Liberty Tours had a crash and I needed to take the banner off of the site'. I asked them if it couldn't wait until Monday as I was sleeping and recovering from a night of partying, but they were crying and shouting at me to come in and take it down."
When asked about the Liberty Tours accident specifically, Scott stated, "Flying safely for over 20 years is one thing, but waking my ass up at noon on a Saturday just because Liberty Tours had a helicopter smash into an airplane killing almost everyone is another thing all together. Talk about micro managing! Boo Hoo, what a bunch of babies."

Colleen Hauser, the mother of cancer-riddled 13 year old Daniel Hauser, spoke to God this morning about her choice to rub eucalyptus and tea leaves on her Danny's tumor-filled body in lieu of proven and effective chemotherapy treatment.
"I can't say for sure, but I think God is kinda pissed at me", Mrs. Hauser stated in a phone interview Wednesday morning. "Yeah, I guess bathing him in Olive Oil, force feeding him raw baboon heart, and smearing his own 'leavings' into a cross shapes on his forehead, back, and buttocks didn't work as well as I thought it would. I've never been very good at science-y type of things."
Colleen also admitted that she "(is) a giant, selfish, ignorant, complacent, abusive, insane, reckless, arrogant blubbering butthole."
"When my son is gone", (which will be soon),"I hope he realizes that I only killed him because I loved him. I didn't want all of that modern and proven cancer treatments to taint my stubborn attitude and sheer stupidity."

Corn King Bacon has to be one of the most horrible meat products ever shrink-wrapped, boxed, and stuck in the butcher's cooler.
Corn King bacon is impossibly thin to work with. The meat has chunks of lop-sided fat that's congealed together and not cut properly.
There are a lot of things I don't know much about, but bacon is NOT one of them.
In the above picture please notice the Corn King wallowing in shit. Then notice the Corn King package full of shit. This seems like a better use of the packaging and my hard-earned dollar than buying your bacon.
I hope you die Corn King. You can't even slice open a pig's belly and carve out a decent chunk of fat from it's gut. It's not rocket science.

I've come up with a mouth-watering recipe using a pound of Corn King Bacon you may have accidentally ended up with.

What you'll need:
1 pound Corn King Bacon - (any variety will do)
1/2 cup mayo or salad dressing
1 tsp celery seed
2 tbsp white vinegar
4 - 4 oz pork chops

Directions : Preheat oven to 400 degrees
In a bowl, combine celery seed, vinegar, and salad dressing. Add a dash of pepper if desired.
Mix ingredients thoroughly until there are no lumps.
Pull apart the god-forsaken excuse for bacon (if you can) and pull it's gold leaf-like strips of hog fat onto a paper towel.
In a 14" glass bottom pan - take the chops and wrap them with the impossibly thin strips of "bacon". Use toothpicks to secure the gellatenous substance to the pork chops. Set in pan.
Pour previously mixed mayo mix over prepared chops.
Bake at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until the bacon completely melts into fat and falls off of the pork chops.
Let cool for 5 - 10 minutes.
Carefully remove from oven, and empty contents of glassware into the garbage.
Now eat the glass bottom pan. - It will be more satisfying.

In her last breath;
"Open Failure", a high-bred horse from Venezuela made a short but important comment about her automobile insurance, stating, "At least I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico", before she gasped for her last breath on Monday,
"With all of these horses falling over dead, I am so glad that many of them have decided to exit this world in an appropriate manner." Stated Diane Johnson. "They told me lots of things, from the regrets they've had in life to more important things, like how they saved money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."
"I guess it really doesn't matter if these stinky poop-bearing beasts can even drive, I just love the fact that they are bargain shoppers."
Johnson continued, "One of the horses also told me in it's dying breath that it was 'more than excited' to become glue and paste for preschoolers and kindergarteners to eat. Stating , "Eat me , please god, Eat me. You are not the only Skywalker!"
Reached for comment, none of the 21 horses could be reached for comment, as they all were dead.

This blog entry is simply to give Kudos to the best Triathlon Coach in the Nashville. Stephen Taylor is one of the most accomplished triathlon coaches in Tennessee if not the country.
If you are interested in triathlon training in the Nashville area, this is the guy to find. He stopped collecting trophies years ago when they piled up so high that entering his residence was like a gauntlet of large and often pointy sharp trophies littering his living spaces.
If you need a personal training coach for triathlon training or just a personal trainer for getting your cellulite-encrusted posterior back in shape, Stephen Taylor will whip you into shape in no time flat.
For example, here are my before and after pictures while working with the best Triathlon trainer in Nashville, Steve Taylor. To email him Click here
Visit Steve's website by clicking Here.











<--------Before
















<--------After

In a surprising move, Planned Parenthood announced it's Christmas "buy five, get one free" abortion campaign this week.
"We hope these cards will encourage young women to get the sexual education and abortions necessary to sustain our mission." Cecile Richards, current president of Planned Parenthood of America stated Tuesday.
"If they get five abortions, they get one free! What a wonderful and rewarding health care system we have in this country!"
"If we were to give a free (fifth) abortion to every black teen in our office looking for sexual counseling, it has been theorized that car stereo, home invasion, and production of more kids would be drastically cut."
With a shrinking federal budget dedicated towards sexual education and with a total complete ignorance of the issues, teen pregnancy and sexual proclivity in the youth population has skyrocketed in recent years.
"We do not feel this incentive 'card' will encourage abortions", continued Richards, "But we feel this card will reward the diligent efforts of abortion-minded (black) teens looking to better our culture and family values."

Michelle DeArmond (951-368-9441 or mdearmond@PE.com) of the California based Press Enterprise was asked to give a Symposium on media ethics and journalistic integrity this week in front of an annual gathering of her peers.
"Damn, what does this shit even mean," Michelle was reported as stating during a speech-writing session with coworkers.
"Intig- Integ- ... I just don't get it!"
Michelle was the lead journalist uncovering the horrifying and unconscionable acts of a 31 year old Democrat in Minnesota this week.
"I know what lying to someone means. I know what misleading someone means. I know what using someone for my own egotistical gains and self-delusional self-indulgent and selfish insights means, but what is all this ethics garbage all about?"
"This job is hard. First I have to gain someone's trust, then I have to coddle them, and then I have to shove a mop handle in their ass!"
During the past week, the blogger responsible for the "Obama Bucks" illustration was revealed as Tim Kastelein, a democrat in Minnesota that enjoys satire and quiet evenings at home.
"This was a real story," exclaimed Michelle. "We needed to gather as much information as necessary from him and figure out who this 'Mystery Man' was. I would have drank (Kastelein's) urine sample to get this story. I am glad it turned out the way it did."
As Kastelein's relatives house was raided by the media and while the sacred bond between the news story and the reporter broke down, Ms. DeArmond was reportedly enjoying her attention as the reporter 'Who got the scoop'.
"I'll never finish this speech," stated DeArmond.... "I don't know anything about media ethics or journalistic integrity."

In this weeks meeting of the Chaffey Community Republican Women's group, an apologetic Diane Fedele reiterated her sincere regret of the use of the racially-insensitive "Obama Bucks" image in the group's publication.
In the club meeting on Tuesday, attended by both club members and the media, Ms. Fedele defended her apologies as sincere and honest.
"Believe me when I say I am very sorry about this whole misunderstanding. I am sorry if I offended any of those coloreds. I am sure all of these Bootlips will understand that it was a clear misunderstanding of my unfamiliarity of the burr-headed, Double A culture. When it comes right down to it, I can not think of anyone less racist than myself. I am friends with plenty of those Geechee Mandinkas. I promise this will not happen again."
When pressed further about her apparent total lack of understanding of the situation she has found herself in, a flustered Fedele continued, "Listen, I told all of the Shadow-Smurf mud ducks I was sorry! I don't know how else to convince you all I am not racist!"
At press time the California Republican Committee had not responded to our repeated calls for clarification.

******Update 10-20-08*******

In May I drew this cartoon and posted a satirical article regarding a fake Obama food stamp plan. This article was complete satire and I wanted to let anyone reading this know that this was not a slight on Obama at all. It was a satirical look at some of the Fox News watching right-wingers out there that are afraid of a government that sponsors welfare type programs.
It was intended to poke fun at the unrealistic fears and agenda of racism that a fringe element of Republicans strongly embrace.
Evidently, people that did not take the satirical nature of the article in to account and not exploring other posts on this site forwarded my "Obama Bucks" food stamp image to their racist right wing counterparts.
So now this is a major news story.
Some dumb ass from the right wing group Chaffey Community Republican Women led by a housewife named Diane Fedele, thought it would be a good image to include in their Republican newsletter.
What a complete moron.
Ms. Fedele has stated that she didn't notice the watermelon, ribs, and KFC chicken images in the picture and just thought it looked like food.
This image was created to take to task a minority of Republicans that are racist and paranoid about someone with a different skin color. I was making fun of Republicans, not at all trying to be racist towards Barack Obama.
I appreciate all of the attention, but the people targeted in this news piece are the people I am fighting for! The minorities. The welfare recipients, and the pissed off black chick with hazel colored eyes. This "cartoon" (as described in the media), was meant to empower African Americans to stand up for and defend themselves against racial intolerance. This "cartoon" was prescribed to showcase the racial hatred and intolerance towards the "left" and it's liberal "welfare" economic plan.
Guess what? The radical right picked up this fumble and ran with it right into the opponents goal line.
The fact that a website like this exists is not evidence of racial hatred or divide, but the fact that an image taken from this website was used in a legitimate publication to promote the Conservative agenda must be proof of either existing racism or utter stupidity.


So if you missed any of the International published and televised news stories about this, I am including some links.
Fox News!
Los Angeles Times
Associated Press
Jerusalem Post, Israel
Chicago Sun-Times
Washington Times
Boston Globe
Forbes, NY
San Francisco Chronicle
Press-Enterprise, CA
Click here for a complete news search
So In case you missed it, here is the original satirical story written in May. Click here.

French mega-pharmaceutical Sanofi-Aventis' president Jean-Francois Dehecq announced it would pull it's new Heath Ledger advertisements, it was reported late Tuesday.
"Given the uncertain circumstances surrounding Ledger's death, we feel it inappropriate to continue our, '...Really, really, really need to sleep' campaign", Dehecq stated.
"We extend our deepest French sympathies to Ledger, his family, his child, and gay cowboys everywhere."
*NEW* download this image in full resolution for your desktop wallpaper!!!Click here

Heath Ledger's latest movie, "Weekend at Ledger's 3" was scrapped during production, sources close to the production crew said Friday.
"We thought about it long and hard, and decided that it would be too difficult for him to play a corpse in the latest comedy spectacle 'Weekend at Ledger's 3'", costar Mary Kate Olson said during an interview.
The latest installment of the popular "Weekend at Bernie's" series was to include Mary Kate Olson (Susie) and Michelle Williams (Katrina) as friends of their recently deceased boss who's death needs to be kept a secret.
"How can we possibly expect him to act like a proper corpse when he is all dead," Olson added. "This is worse than 'A Knight's tale.'"

Vagisil introduced it's new "Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit", it was reported Wednesday.
"This is really an innovation in home vaginal stink detection," Vagisil Rep. Rebecca Gosch said during a phone interview.
"Vagina odor detection has rocketed into the 21st century with our new product. We here at Vagisil are thrilled!"
The new Home Vaginal Stink Meter Kit works by swabbing the inside of your vagina with a specially coated "stink stick". After 3 minutes your level of vaginal odor can be matched to a color chart that corresponds to your stink level.
"I swore I could smell a dirty sock," claimed one user, "but boy was I surprised when the stink meter told me I was closer to anhydrous ammonia."
Ms. Gosch ended the phone interview by stating, "Man dreamed of flight once... And watched it come true. Man dreamed of a device that; when powered up, could provide light to light up our houses and cities, and yes; man dreamed of one day, being able to stick a sharp plastic applicator - up your vagina - pull it out and wait a few minutes - and then compare the color on the applicator to a pre-printed color chart - to tell how bad your vagina odor was."

Local diabetic Johnny "The ragman" Sutton emerged "Happy and reflective" this week upon being released from the amputee unit at the local hospital.
Dawning his new handicapped parking permit, Sutton stated, "It is totally whacked that I got my leg chopped off because of my out of control diabetes, but I am totally down with it (excited) to have a parking space so close to the entrance of the store."
"Think about how much time I will save at McDonalds, KFC, and Taco Bell. It is hard to put a price on a limb but it is virtually impossible to put a price on a totally awesome parking spot."
Mr. Sutton also expressed his pleasure at his recent 'awesome' parking spot at the Mall of America.
"Think about how fast I can get around with such an awesome parking spot. Every piece of fried chicken and each bottle of orange soda I've suffered through have paid off.... My leg may be gone, but I will save tons of time every time I go to park my car. Losing a leg sucks, but I gained a great parking spot."
Mr. Sutton expressed great excitement at being able to 'get in line' quickly for a Slurpy and a 'Tornado' dinner treat at the local 7-11.
"I have my wife push me to the front of the line with my sugar fix, and who's going to argue with me? I'm MISSING MY DAMN LEG!!! My diabetic missing leg is totally worth it. I am now complete because part of me is missing."

The White House unveiled their official Hurricane Gustav disaster plan for New Orleans, it was reported earlier today.
The Bush Administration, still suffering criticism over its response to Hurricane Katrina in 2005, was quick to point out their rapid action emergency plan.
During a press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced, "We will not be caught off guard with Hurricane Gustav. We have a comprehensive plan to deal with New Orleans and its residents if Gustav continues its current path. Operation 'Run Nigger!' offers a simple yet comprehensive plan that (President Bush) thinks New Orleans and its residents can understand."
When pressed about exact details regarding the plan, Perino continued, "Basically the 'Run Nigger!' plan involves all of the affected residents getting up and quickly running in the opposite direction in which the storm is coming from. We hope this innovative plan will save lives and provide clarity for Louisiana residents concerned about the government's handling of federal emergencies."
"I would like to point out that the disabled and elderly have not been excluded from our new plan. We will encourage those with limited mobility to also remove themselves from the path of the storm. For instance, many residents in wheelchairs could simply 'roll' away in the opposite direction of the storm. Others with severely restricted mobility could even be 'pushed' away from the storm. We realize that there was a lot of post-hurricane criticism over the White House response to Katrina, and we hope to show that we are not unaware of the struggles and hardships that face our citizens during natural disasters."

The famous Minnesota State Fair kicked off late last week with the consistent drone of bus wheelchair lifts, depleting oxygen tanks, and lung blowers, our staffer Jeff Ricks on site at the fair reported late Friday.
The line of handicapped people literally stretched for miles, as our special residents waited in queue for the reptile petting zoo, the Characature sketch art exhibit, and of course; the fried cheese curd line.
"Damn, where have all these cripples been hiding," questioned Minneapolis resident "Tommy" Thomlinson. "There are more handicapped people here than at the Special Olympics."
Our reporter notes one group of people classically and perplexingly missing from the overall fair population. The blacks.
"I've seen like maybe 20 black people here all day! Twelve of them were taking tickets, two were driving the buses. three were working at the greek gyro stand, and the other three were holding hands with a white girl. How bizarre," stated Ricks.

We here at pleasegodno.com are proud to present our newest feature commentary section, entitled "Ask Willie" which features intelligent insight by our newest guest writer Willie Horton. Willie is best remembered as the robber and rapist that cost Michael Dukakis the presidential election in 1988. We look forward to his intelligent and comical take on events in the world.

I told you crackers!! You will be lucky if you don't get sued, and you will be EXTREMELY lucky if you get your money back!
It was about a month ago when someone told me about ASD Cash Generator. They claimed to have already made $60,000 surfing around on websites. Sounds too easy. eh? Dumb cracker should have seen it was a Ponzi Scam.

If you don't know what a Ponzi scam is let me tell you. It is a business model that basically collects money from new investors so they can pay existing investors huge returns on their investment, with no real income or business model.
After the wonderful news about how much my friend had earned using this system I checked it out.
1000% user-based growth in the last 6 months? Being awarded the Presidential medal of distinction by the president himself? What a wonderful and trust-worthy company!

If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

After their website was shut down for nearly a month because of "explosive growth" and hiding behind the culprit of "having to design a new website to manage their explosive traffic", they finally came back online about a week ago. They came back online but did not allow new signups because they were "working on their new signup form". What kind of stupid fucking moron cracker would believe that? Any business that relies on customers for it's income stream would not shut down the "signup" form so they could "have a group a programmers working day and night to redesign it"
Let me show you.

--------Sample signup form------
Name =
Address =
Phone number =
email address =
{echo} sumbit
-------End of signup form------

I am a stupid black man, and have lost approximately 30% of my income to get rich quick schemes. (And an addition 30% to Buffalo wings and cheap wine), and I KNEW this was a scam.

All you ASD cheerleaders KISS MY CRACKER BLACK ASS! You are now served!

Everything they told you was a lie.

I am not saying no one ever made any money during this obviously painful Ponzi scheme. I am saying that you might not have only lost your money, but you might even be SUED for the income you have gathered from this company!

Stupid crackers!
Willy out.

A production of the popular musical "Annie" at a Knoxville, TN Unitarian church had trouble staying on script, it was reported Sunday.
"I was all into Annie's portrayal of a disenfranchised young orphan growing up in the 1920's", stated church member Marla Staples. "I could empathize with her struggle against oppressive authoritarian figures. Annie is a care-free role model for all of us. She ultimately displays the spirit and the anti-establishment feelings a lot of us have growing up in a diverse environment. Also she got all shot up and killed."
"This play totally sucked ass", another congregation member stated, "I was all into this play until about 45 minutes into it. Then all of the sudden, some guy with a shotgun started killing folk (people) and I was like 'damn son' what the hell? They totally went off script with this one."
Assistant youth counselor at the church Wendy McNally further stated, "We try hard to instill a sense of pride in one's portrayal of most all of Broadway Play's actors, but during rehearsal when they introduced the "Disgruntled-Food Stamp Collecting-Shotgun Wielding-Homeless-Homicidal-Maniac character during the climax of the play that inevitably shoots 9 congregation members and kills at least one of them... I was like 'damn, this shit is stupid'."

Former Press Secretary Tony Snow has unexpectedly taken a new position at the DOPOH (the Department Of the President Of Hell), it was reported Saturday.
During an exclusive interview via satellite phone this afternoon, Snow expressed gratitude for his new role.
"My conscious bothers me a lot less now! I honestly feel more favorably about the administration I represent here than I did during my term at the White House. I wake up refreshed knowing that all I have to do (here in hell) is lie about murdered babies and defend child rapists! This job requires way less manipulation and double talk than was expected of me working for the Bush administration!"
Probed further about his current role working for Beelzebub , Snow continued, "I lied the United States into slaughtering more than 3,000 American soldiers and tens of thousands of civilians in Iraq. I lied... And I was good at it. That's why I feel qualified for this position in the underworld and that's why I feel like this job suits me. It is right up my alley. I mean some people were made to grow crops, some were born to smelt metal into tools, some were born to program electronic and computer devices, and some were born to defend serial-murdering baby-eating shit-snacking baby rapers. I feel like I am the later."
The Dark Prince declined to take part in this phone interview but regarding their new relationship Snow also added, "Satan has been very good to me here; We play cards, talk about stamp collecting, and throw lawn darts. He even replaced my hair and missing cancer-ridden (butt hole) large intestine."

Aaron Eilerts, 14, from Eagle Grove, Iowa; Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13, of Omaha; and Ben Petrzilka,13 were postumusly awarded the uber-rare and coveted "Tornado merit badge," it was reported Saturday.
"These rare and sought-after badges are reserved only for our special Scouts that are crushed by tornado debris," stated current National President John Gottschalk in a telephone interview.
"You can build a fire from sticks, use a bow to shoot an apple off of your friend's head, and even leather work a rawhide baby seal into a wallet and this badge will still elude you."
"We feel our remarkable young men who are caught off guard by tornadoes are especially heroic. Their heroic actions make us all pause and think about the horrible, horrible, series of events that happened that fateful night in Iowa. What brave young men it took to so heroically be crushed by tornado debris. They are an inspiration to us all. "

"We now have a new Ziploc product in our line of multi-use plastic resealable bags. From snack, to sandwich, to freezer, to storage, and now to fetuses", announced newly appointed SC Johnson vice-president Beth Simermeyer on Wednesday.
"Our new 'Fetus Savers!' line of resealable home or back alley abortion bags will hopefully positively reinforce our market share and investor trust as an innovative and edgy company that has it's consumer's best interests at heart."
"The new bags hold approximately 20-30 first trimester fetuses, 10-12 second trimester fetuses, or at least 2 full term or full term partial birth fetus remnants... All with no pesky amniotic or fetal fluid spillage. Our competitors can't say that!"
"These bags are freezer and microwave safe and contain an interlocking air tight zipper seal that guarantees that your fetus will stay as fresh as the day your boyfriend got a pay day advance loan to cover your $300 abortion."

Males all over the country praised the new line of "anti-vaginal stink" condoms released by Trojan brand condoms this week.
"It is a standard latex condom with a Pine-scented car freshener attached to the base", stated Trojan CEO Linda Kaplan Thaler earlier this afternoon. "No pregnancy, no STD's, and now... no smell! What an innovation!"
"If a vagina doesn't stink, it's an anomaly, I don't care how fat or skinny your hoe is", Terry Steindel, a realtor from the Ramsey, Minnesota stated Sunday.
"This device not only makes my girlfriend's snatch smell like a towel-head middle-eastern cab driver, but it also makes it not smell like a vagina... which is nasty."
Steindel, who recently stuffed local mailboxes with a cheap Staples brand double sided black and white photocopy of his latest pamphlet entitled, "Why I am are the best lover", continued...
"It makes her vagina smell like a Iraqi, and it makes my balls smell like an equally-attractive pine-scented computer support engineer from India."
Computer manufacturers Dell and Gateway could not be reached for comment as of press.

*****10-20-08 Update to this story*****
In May I drew this cartoon and posted a satirical article regarding a fake Obama food stamp plan. This article was complete satire and I wanted to let anyone reading this know that this was not a slight on Obama at all. It was a satirical look at some of the Fox News watching right-wingers out there that are afraid of a government that sponsors welfare type programs.
It was intended to poke fun at the unrealistic fears and agenda of racism that a fringe element of Republicans strongly embrace.
Evidently, people that did not take the satirical nature of the article in to account and not exploring other posts on this site forwarded my "Obama Bucks" food stamp image to their racist right wing counterparts.
So now this is a major news story.
Some dumb ass from the right wing group Chaffey Community Republican Women led by a housewife named Diane Fedele, thought it would be a good image to include in their Republican newsletter.
What a complete moron.
Ms. Fedele has stated that she didn't notice the watermelon, ribs, and KFC chicken images in the picture and just thought it looked like food.
This image was created to take to task a minority of Republicans that are racist and paranoid about someone with a different skin color. I was making fun of Republicans, not at all trying to be racist towards Barack Obama.
I appreciate all of the attention, but the people targeted in this news piece are the people I am fighting for! The minorities. The welfare recipients, and the pissed off black chick with hazel colored eyes. This "cartoon" (as described in the media), was meant to empower African Americans to stand up for and defend themselves against racial intolerance. This "cartoon" was prescribed to showcase the racial hatred and intolerance towards the "left" and it's liberal "welfare" economic plan.
Guess what? The radical right picked up this fumble and ran with it right into the opponents goal line.
The fact that a website like this exists is not evidence of racial hatred or divide, but the fact that an image taken from this website was used in a legitimate publication to promote the Conservative agenda must be proof of either existing racism or utter stupidity.
The original article and illustration from May 26th is included unedited below.
*****10-20-08 End of Update*****

In another move to appeal to the large African-American voter base, presidential candidate Barack Obama released his new "Obama bucks" food stamp program, it was reported Monday.
"Barack cares about his constituents", Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe stated in an interview Monday.
"Not only will this move expand the much needed food stamp program that ensures sustenance for millions of (black) children and needy adults, but it will also remind (the black) constituents of what they are at the store to buy. We see it as a win-win situation for the (black) community. It is like cash with a shopping list printed on it."
"Red Kool-Aid, fried chicken, watermelon, and even pork ribs are displayed on the document as a reminder", Plouffe continued, "The food stamp amount correlates to the cost of the item. For example, the $10 food stamp has things like ribs and chicken, while the $5 food stamp relevantly displays Collard Greens, and grape soda."

The United State Postal Service released it's new Myanmar themed stamps, it was reported today.
"What a terrible tragedy this country has suffered", stated United States Postmaster General John Potter. "What a reassuring and supportive thing we are doing for this devastated nation."
Asked about the choice of photos selected for the stamps, "What best sums up this country? Vast oil fields? Riches of gold and iron? It's lucrative child sex business? No", stated Potter, "It's the dead bloated black corpses flowing down the muddy embankments of the Salween river."
"We have a very selective system of choosing what images to use on stamps. First; we do market research to see what stamps will sell. Secondly, we create test run plates that further gauge the market. And lastly, we put dead bloated black people floating in bodies of water on them. This isn't something we just issue without the proper research."
The reception to these stamps has thus far received luke-warm praise, with retail sales only half that of the moderately popular "The Girls of Columbine" commemorative stamp set issued last year featuring the scantly-clad and often wheel chair bound female victims of the infamous school shooting.

The Catholic community was stunned this week with the release of a horribly distasteful photo of Pope Benedict XVI shoveling Jews into a ditch.
"We thought we knew this cult-obsessed satan-worshiper better than this", stated local Catholic ex-cable installer Jeff Tornes. "I would have felt differently about drinking Kitten blood while chanting in tongues if I had known about 'the popes' past."
Often suspected, although never proven, the Pope's picture has been a wake up call for many American Catholics this week.
"I can't believe our spiritual leader and giver of sheep's blood and smoking incense-giving savior could do this to our people", said a long time congregation member of the Springfield, Illinois 'Church of the Immaculate Conception' congregation.
"We thought that he probably was singularly responsible for our salvation and forgiveness. We thought that following and worshiping him would make up for our complete lack of trust and faith in Jesus Christ. Now we know. He shoveled Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer... And he even wore a 'Pope Hat'!!!"
"Why would he have dressed like a pope... With a Pope hat and gold-plated robes," stated another member of the church.
"I mean, what a complete jackass."
"If he is going to shovel Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer, I am totally going to eat a McDonalds McRibb Sandwich every single motherfucking Friday from now until the end of time. Fuck that nigger."

I know a lot of readers of pleasegodno.com think that I just throw this shit together, and that I just kick back a few beers and pound on the keyboard twice a month and throw up a random 5 minute picture poking fun at someone less fortunate.
The Pope's visit got me thinking though, and I knew that I had to spend at least 10 minutes on a story for him. After all, he's the Pope!
I struggled with different ideas for this one. Of course there were the old standbys. The Pope on the toilet, the Pope clubbing baby seals, and even the Pope in a German gay porn movie. All of these ideas seemed a little sophomoric, so I settled on a picture of the holy pontiff on a bulldozer.
Here is a conceptual story board of the idea I had for the Pope article.
This proves, that no matter how poorly written and terrible it is, that I DO plan ahead. I do put at the very least a little teeny weeny bit of effort into the website.
Here is the conceptual drawing for the pope's visit.

In another cost-cutting measure, Jack Link's Jerky Inc, announced it's new standard .35 ounce beef jerky pack today.
"We feel that this is the best move for the consumer; same price, 72 ounce bag with triple resealable interlocking 'freshness connectors', and less Jerky. Our customers have spoken", aging founder Jack Link said during an interview on Sunday.
"Sure the customers are getting a little less of our wonderful and satisfying dried meat product, but for 8 dollars they are still getting a killer resealable bag that will end up on the passenger's side floor of their car until it is dug out of the seat adjustment mechanism months later."
"We used to sell 4 ounces of dried meat for 4 bucks, then we knocked it down to 3.65 ounces, and now, we are pleased to announce, our newest in our line of satisfying jerky products... The .35 ounce jerky stick in a 72 ounce triple Tupperware brand resealable sack. I think consumers are at a real advantage on this one."

In an alarming new study released this week, it was reported that 1 in 4 teenagers has a sexually transmitted disease. With only 50% of teenage girls having sex, this literally means half of them are getting an STD.
Using this method of deduction, this also means there are 25% of willing participants that I have not infected with my variety sampler of different and disfiguring diseases.
To all the teenagers that are currently infected, I would like to offer my heartfelt apology... "Sorry, my bad"
To the rest of the girls, I would like to give you my promise, that I am not infected, and would love to show you my parent's basement and my stamp collection.

National Public radio did a story about someone I featured on Pleasegodno.com on Wednesday's "Day to Day Show" (Click here) and I have received dozens of personal emails questioning why I would pick on someone like Terry Steindel.
Our legal counsel has instructed us to state that "Terry Steindel is probably not retarded".
However; I would like to submit Exhibit 'A'... TerrySteindel.pdf This is a flyer of his he handed out a few months ago that has a few of the most painfully obvious problems that even Terry Schiavo would find laughable.
I have a high school education and am in no way an expert in the art of grammer and punctuation, and I am sure the trained eye could find dozens, if not hundreds, of additional mistakes. This link is just an example of the inexcusably horrible, and awful English skills used in a promotional flyer of a man who is about to handle hundreds of thousands of your dollars.
In regards to the NPR story, we feel Terry was completely ripped off by someone 'hired' to improve his web-image.
Great editorial judgment was displayed in the beginning part of the interview when Terry said, "They called me the most retarded real-estate agent......... In the World."
I have listened to this repeatedly on my Ipod and have almost wet my pants every time.
Terry, please hand me the burger and fries at the local burger shop, but please, for the love of God, don't try to sell me a house.

Hefty women everywhere were stunned this week by the callus remarks about a very serious incident involving fat women posted on Pleasegodno.com.
A recent scientific study found that a mere 4% of respondents found me "Funny" with only an additional 3% finding me "kind of funny".
"How dare he!", Exclaimed user BigNSexy this week.
"What a pig, what a lonely rodent!" stated user Curvy-N-Yummy.
FattyLovin even posted a comment entitled, "Die Pig!"
"I don't think this is funny," said username 2Much4U. "First he's making fun of people that have a serious disease of willingly shoveling way too much food into their mouths... What's next, making fun of murder?"
After several calls this afternoon, I was finally reached for comment.
When asked about the impact this negative reaction may have on me I was quoted as stating, "You know, this may really affect my dating pool. Most girls that will give me the time of day or either incredibly obese, or have a serious facial deformity. What happens when I make fun of people with serious facial deformities? My dating life will be over!"
"Fat girls don't think I'm funny. With all the fat woman surveyed responding to my remarks about fat women being shot, a whopping 93% thought I was "Not funny". This can only hurt me personally and socially."
With the obesity epidemic at all-time highs, obesity-coddling websites such as www.elasticwaist.com have garnered some pretty harsh criticism directed towards pleasgodno.com.
"I feel bad for hurting anyone's feelings, but a website like elasticwaist.com that serves up delicious dishes like 'House:The Episode Guide', 'Recipe Ideas', and 'Which color M&M's make you horny', I can't help but feel like they should write an article titled, 'I should get off of my lazy fat ass and do something except watch TV, eat food, and worry about which color M&M's make my stale vagina moist.' It's just a thought.

Lane Bryant (NasdaqGS:CHRS) announced it's new plus sized body bag collection just in time to help clean up one plus sized mess in their Chicago area retail store, it was reported Saturday afternoon.
During an afternoon interview with Dorrit Bern, CEO of Lane Bryant's parent company Charming Shoppes, Inc., Bern expressed sympathy for the victims of this afternoon's shooting.
"We were shocked to hear about the terrible gunning down of plus-sized women in our store. With that being said, our stockholders will be pleased to announce that we might still be able to make one final plus-sized sale to these plus-sized corpses."
"We have been excited about our new 'plus-sized body bag' campaign and this shooting has really put our new product off to a running start."
"For years, plus-sized dead women had to put up with the indignity of being zipped into a body bag that didn't fit right, or that felt constraining. With our new line of plus-sized body bags, our hope was to gain a market niche that we had not yet explored. Our new body bags are different because they are like regular body bags... but bigger!"
"With our innovative line of new products for the morbidly obese, we aim to make people as comfortable as possible no matter how fat they become. We actually manufacture novelty sized 12x shirts and slacks, as a joke, only to see sales skyrocket. It almost seems as though we can't manufacture an outfit big enough, that someone won't actually fit into. 'Free to be me', that is the Lane Bryant promise."

Click on the picture to blow it up, but evidently the corpse formerly known as "Heath Ledger" had a wardrobe malfunction last night as his body bag peeped open and quietly exposed his back side and rear end.
"I was in shock!" A school teacher gawking at the body removal incident said. "I brought my 5 year old here to watch a celebrity's corpse being paraded around in front of thousands of gawking spectators and the media. I did NOT bring my 5 year old here to watch the inexcusable act of a male rear-end being exposed!"
"It looks like he was in rehearsal for "Broke Back Mountain 2".... Never leave your brother's behind", another spectator exclaimed.

In all fairness, I thought I'd post this reply from Alltel wireless in a prompt response to my letter that was written a mere three weeks ago.


"Response (Peggie S) 01/14/2008 11:47 AM
Dear Mr. Pleasegodno,

I have reviewed your account and the numerous problems you have encountered with your handset. I apologize for the frustration this has caused.

Per the technical notations on your account the problems stems from the type of handset you are currently using. With that being said a decision has been made to adjust your current contracts within the upgrade period. This will allow you to visit the local Alltel retail and select new Alltel equipment at the contract price.

Once again Mr. Pleasegodno we sincerely apologize for all the inconvenience this matter has caused. If you would like to accept this offer please respond back to this email and we will be happy to adjust the current contract.

Thank you for giving us an opportunity to be your wireless service provider.

Sincerely

WSC Offline support"

Nice. This is the minimum I would have expected from a bookie, much less a cell phone company. I'm glad we've met at the crucial crossroads named "The minimal a company could provide to retain my business."
Thank you Alltel for letting me purchase another overpriced cellphone and extend my contract with a company I never wanted and never signed a contract with for another two years so my cellphone will work with your system!!!! You rock!!!

I'm not terribly attractive, but I don't have a job that requires my image to be beamed around the world to millions of TV sets.
She is so hard on the eyes in fact, that I would much rather see a fat ass with ears and hair on it's shoulder covering the New Hampshire caucuses.
This trainwreck of a reporter looks like Carnie Wilson accidentally sat on a bicycle that was missing the seat... Maybe she should have gone into radio...

In a completely stunning turn of events, Chuck Norris has captured the Iowa Republican caucus tonight.
"Who were they gonna vote for? A pagan (Romney), a woman (Clinton), that pathetic piece of Antique Farm Equipment (Obama)?"
"The choice is obvious. I'm going to blast my way into the Oval Office with machine guns and a confederate flag!"
"The first in the nation caucus has historically been seen as a good indication of the temperature of the nation," an insider in the Norris staff stated during a televised interview Thursday night. "We hope this major win supports our guns and chewing tobacco lobby we have formed."
With such bizarre campaign platforms such as "Mandatory gun possession for whites", "Tax cuts on Old Milwaukee", and "Legal age of consent; 12", Norris has surprised the political world.

After the suicide bombing and shooting that took Benazir Bhutto's life last week, many in the media have been speculating on what exactly caused her death.
"There is evidence that her death was caused by her really, really, stupid glasses", said Pakistani area optometrist Jaspal Khan. "There has been a lot of speculation that it was the assassins' bullet. Some say it was the latch on the skylight that she smashed her head into, but I tend to think that it was her horribly reprehensible frames."
Dr. Khan continued, "Would someone go through the hassle of murdering someone with different political views? Not likely. Her frames were WAY more offensive than her stance on human rights and the economy."
"The last bastion of humanity could not tolerate or accept her as a human being, or as a chick with horribly terrible prescription spectacle frames. This is the legacy she leaves behind."
Meanwhile, many Bhutto supporters have been left finding something else to do with their time.
"Finally I have time to gather food and water, and have time to knit and crochet clothes for my naked children", a Bhutto supporter said during an interview. "I have so much free time on my hands that I lay down and pretend I am not in a third world country where radicals murder political leaders commonly and our president is not completely insane!"
About her future in Pakistan, the supporter stated, "I am sorry to see her die... But her glass frames were just terrible... I mean, like... Terribly, terribly, horrible."

I'm sorry Alltel... My bad. I should have been more understanding. Why did I jump to such angry conclusions about your customer relations team and the service you do (or don't) provide. Attached are the emails that Alltel sent me to clear the whole situation up.

Me : "I just finished over an hour and a half worth of discussions with 7 different people with Alltel about my phone. I purchased a new phone 10 months ago from Midwest Wireless. Evidentally Alltel bought them out and my service changed. My web browser does not work (I am paying for it) and every time I send a text message now I get a text message sent back to me within a minute or so telling me the message has been deposited.
I have gone around and round with Sales, Technical Support, retention, customer service.
Finally I have been told that my Midwest Wireless phone is not compatible with your service. It is not my fault that in good faith I signed a contract with Midwest Wireless and you bought the contract from them and can no longer provide me with the service I am paying for.
After the last person I talked to there, a supervisor, they offered me a 1 year pricing on a new phone but I was told that I would have to replace all three phones even though I am not concerned about the other phone's text messaging or web browsing features.
There is nothing wrong with my phone and it is absolutely absurd to put the burden of making your system work with it on me. I have been a MidWest Wireless customer for almost 8 years and this is the single most frustrating problem I have ever had with a cellphone.
I could count the number of times I called Midwest Wireless in 8 years on 1 hand. I have made more than a half dozen calls to you in the last 9 months and have transferred around, given conflicting information, and wasted hours of your time and mine.
I would like my phone to work with your
system or I would like a replacement phone
that works with your system. I'm not
completely opposed to paying a small price
but I am opposed to paying a penalty for
replacing a perfectly good phone that, by no
fault of my own, is incompatible with your
system. "

In defense of Alltel, they did not reply to me withing 8 days so I wrote the following note:
"I just wanted to make sure you got this message. I am not surprised you have not even responded to me in 8 days. I will be resending this message every 3 days until I get an answer."

I got a prompt answer to that email! Maybe they care about their customers.... or maybe not...
"Thank you for taking the time to email The Alltel Online Customer Service Center. My name is Kathryn, and I am pleased to assist you with information regarding your equipment.

I do apologize for the wait due to high email volume. I reviewed your account and it showed that you have been explained that you will need to update to an Alltel equipment in order to have your text messaging working.

If you will like for your text messaging to work, you will need to switch equipments. I do apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

If I can provide additional assistance, please let me know.

Again, we appreciate your business and thank you for choosing Alltel.

Sincerely,

Kathryn
Customer Service Specialist
The Alltel Online Customer Service Center"

Here is my response to my collective 5 hours of time trying to get everything amicably sorted out,
"What a wonderful and completely satisfying answer!!!! Did you write that all by yourself? It is awesome that you completely and accurately answered all my concerns about your service! Thank you so much for the individual attention you have given me!
Thank you for reiterating the obvious and providing absolutely nothing that could be considered an answer!
I am so happy I spend my hard-earned money with a company that is so customer-oriented and thorough as the Alltel customer support staff!!!!
You have earned my business and definitely offer the highest in customer service... I even wrote an article about it on my blog!!!! http://www.pleasegodno.com/
Fantastic! You guys rock!
Your letter made me believe that I was not only a customer, but I was a part of the Alltel network! Thank you so much!

I would like to talk to somebody in charge who did not graduate with a technical degree in bullshit and would love to address my concerns in an intelligable, thoughtful, and honest way. I am sorry this is not you. When you read my concerns, typed (more likely copy and pasted) them into a halfway intelligible sentence, and then sent me back an email containing these items. I thought.... All I wanted was cell phone service... but now it looks like I have a Harvard Laureate.
I am sure that your parent's would be proud of you if you sold drugs or sold your ass on the street, but to be an Alltel representative? TRAGIC!
You have not fixed, or even addressed, my questions. I thought I had hit an incompetent manager, but now I find out I have reached a staff, that when tested, has a lower understanding of customer service and business relations than Terry Shiavo. What a cocky, indifferent, asshole move you have pulled on me.
Your customer relations does not make you earn my business. Your customer support does not retain my business. You are the most absurdly incompetent, inefficient, confused, and utterly self-centered company I have ever had the experience of working with.
I pledge, that from this day forward, I will spend my days smearing your name through the mud, I will waste no expense defiling your name and telling everyone I know what a completely incompetent, absurdly unorganized, and shiftty organization you have. I am usually such a calm guy... And I have worked in customer service jobs for years.
You suck ass. You make every other company in the world that is trying to do the right thing look bad. MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES!!! "

Alltel sucks ass. They tickle your nuts and then don't even finish the job.. They will be on my radar until they fix this problem or go out of business.
Fuck Alltel

In a bazaar new public relations campaign, Alltel Wireless unveiled it's new marketing strategy this week.
"'Fuck you'. Simple and to the point," Alltel's president and chief executive officer Scott Ford said during an interview on Tuesday.
He continued, "There are lots of choices in the competitive wireless market these days. Anyone can give you competent, satisfying, and fair cell phone service. We like to think we're different. We like to provide a service to a niche market of users that find themselves longing for a huge penis to be rammed in their anus with no lubrication. Our new motto really sums up our feelings for our customers."
According to Ford, the company had played with several other ideas for a new tag line over the past year.
"There were several ideas we played with. 'Fuck your mother', 'Scat eating', 'Salad tossing' were all ideas that were on the table at one point. Finally someone said, 'Fuck you' and we knew, at that moment, the simple genius of these two words. It sums up our company spirit so well."
"I was raping a 87 year old invalid at a nursing home recently just to be an asshole. That is how dedicated I am to my position, this company, our stockholders, and your mother, who likes to be showered with frothy golden ropes of my urine."

Chubby chasing turned deadly outside of Las Vegas on Tuesday when, in something that can only be described as a "complete mystery", a fight over a really gross and nasty fat girl turned into gunshots at a school bus stop.
"I've shot at people to defend my territory over really good looking anorexic chicks, but to shoot more than 3 or 4 people when fighting over a really really fat chick is just inexcusable," a student close to the case stated during a late Tuesday interview.
Stacy Sparks, the fat girl in question during this incident, was approached by one of our pleasegono.com's reporters for a statement.
"Hmmm (inaudible) Hummmmppphh (inaudible) Taco Bellll(inaudible)....Mayo(inaudible)......Butter sticks and Bacon... (inaudible)... Whale blubber on a quesadilla (inaudible)."
"Clearly the young lady is still in shock. Her blood sugar dropped through the floor during the 3 minute police interview earlier this afternoon. It makes one why you would expend any effort on a fat chick... Especially THIS fat chick." Pediatrician Dr. Wendy Mavry stated during an exclusive pleasegodno.com interview.
One of the shot students was quoted as saying, "FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK, That FAT BITCH got me shot!!!!! OHHHHH GOD!!!"
Deputy Howard Melford stated, "Since (the shooter) has been admitted to our facilities, (the shooter) has been on a 48 hour suicide watch. The fear is that once (the shooter) realizes what he has done, he could become suicidal. Especially because this young lady is just so, so nasty and fat."

We here at pleasegodno.com are proud to present our newest feature commentary section, entitled "Ask Willie" which features intelligent insight by our newest guest writer Willie Horton. Willie is best remembered as the robber and rapist that cost Michael Dukakis the presidential election in 1988. We look forward to his intelligent and comical take on events in the world.

After hearing the news of the horrifying events that took place in the Nebraska mall this week, I started thinking. Richard Hawkins was a misunderstood guy. If I got fired from McDonalds, I would probably shoot up a mall too.
While I don't specifically condone the actions of this troubled individual, I definitely see how being removed from a menial 6 dollar an hour job could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Everyone has lost a job at some point in their life, but the horrific realization that you are not even competent enough to perform the most menial of duties? Terrible.
Some set blame the antidepressants this kid was reported as taking. Some say blame the society at large for ignoring the needs of one of their own. I say blame McDonalds.
Sure he was caught taking money from the till, who hasn't? The least they could have done is demote him to "French Fry Maker" where alongside the handicapped employees he could have retained something that resembled an existence.
McDonalds should realize that for $6 an hour, you have purchased an employee that will occasionally take a $5 bill for a pack of cigarettes from the drawer. You have NOT purchased or paid for a Harvard laureate with the integrity and moral fiber not to dip into the company's loose change.

"Of all undiagnosed problems of Richard Hawkins, the most heart-wrenching one was his poor penmanship," stated Dr. Tom Jenkins, a clinical psychologist for the Omaha based Children's hospital in an interview Friday.
"To have a friend or family member who is so unstable that he would shoot and kill 8 people and then himself is one thing, but his terrible handwriting must be tearing at the heartstrings of all of the family members who lost loved ones in the Nebraska mall shooting."
"His O's barely look like O's. His T's are all shaky. And I don't even know what the hell this thing is!" Dr. Jenkins exclaimed while pointing at a copy of the suicide note.
"All of the warning signs were there, the chicken-scratch Post-Its in his room, to the birthday card given to his mother. Why didn't somebody realize what was happening to him? Why didn't somebody intervene sooner? I don't want to live in a world where someone can go through their whole life with this serious disorder. Absolutely unforgivable."
"Every time anyone thinks about Richard Hawkins, they will automatically think about his horrible, horrible penmanship. That is the legacy he has left behind."

Donda West, mother of infamous rapper Kanye West, was reported, "Dead as shit, Nigger" during a phone interview with a family friend on Wednesday.
The West's family friend, speaking on the condition of anonymity, also stated, "She used to be so vibrant and full of life. Now she is not... Whatsoever. She was a fighter all the way to the end. Her last words were 'I'm gonna pop a cap in that ghetto biatch (Dr. Jan Adams)!'"
"Kanye has already started working his next album, dedicated to his mother's memory. The title track, which is almost finished, is entitled, 'Are Mommas boobs still smaller in heaven?'".
"Some of the other tracks for this tribute album have also been released. 'Gap tooth hoe (gotta go)', 'Momma ain't so good at checkers anymore..', 'Call the cellphone company to change my "fav five"', and the haunting melody titled, 'Why do Black People get Tattoos?'"
"She will be missed by all. She was such a warm and caring person but not anymore because she is completely dead."

Fiber One = constant flatulence