Please God No

In a surprising move Friday afternoon, senior Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh offered a glimpse of hope to missing and abducted victims of the recent Mideast uprising.

"What the fuck happened to Amy Grant anyway", Haniyeh was quoted speaking through an interpreter this afternoon.

"I mean, fuck. Tell me where she disappeared to and I'll tell you where your people have disappeared to".

"All the cards are on the table - we are ready to negotiate. This whole thing could have been avoided - it's always been about Amy".

Amy Grant, a once beloved and cherished singer and songwriter made famous for her positive messages and songs about Jesus and love, could not be found for comment.