Aaron Eilerts, 14, from Eagle Grove, Iowa; Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13, of Omaha; and Ben Petrzilka,13 were postumusly awarded the uber-rare and coveted "Tornado merit badge," it was reported Saturday.
"These rare and sought-after badges are reserved only for our special Scouts that are crushed by tornado debris," stated current National President John Gottschalk in a telephone interview.
"You can build a fire from sticks, use a bow to shoot an apple off of your friend's head, and even leather work a rawhide baby seal into a wallet and this badge will still elude you."
"We feel our remarkable young men who are caught off guard by tornadoes are especially heroic. Their heroic actions make us all pause and think about the horrible, horrible, series of events that happened that fateful night in Iowa. What brave young men it took to so heroically be crushed by tornado debris. They are an inspiration to us all. "
"We now have a new Ziploc product in our line of multi-use plastic resealable bags. From snack, to sandwich, to freezer, to storage, and now to fetuses", announced newly appointed SC Johnson vice-president Beth Simermeyer on Wednesday.
"Our new 'Fetus Savers!' line of resealable home or back alley abortion bags will hopefully positively reinforce our market share and investor trust as an innovative and edgy company that has it's consumer's best interests at heart."
"The new bags hold approximately 20-30 first trimester fetuses, 10-12 second trimester fetuses, or at least 2 full term or full term partial birth fetus remnants... All with no pesky amniotic or fetal fluid spillage. Our competitors can't say that!"
"These bags are freezer and microwave safe and contain an interlocking air tight zipper seal that guarantees that your fetus will stay as fresh as the day your boyfriend got a pay day advance loan to cover your $300 abortion."
Males all over the country praised the new line of "anti-vaginal stink" condoms released by Trojan brand condoms this week.
"It is a standard latex condom with a Pine-scented car freshener attached to the base", stated Trojan CEO Linda Kaplan Thaler earlier this afternoon. "No pregnancy, no STD's, and now... no smell! What an innovation!"
"If a vagina doesn't stink, it's an anomaly, I don't care how fat or skinny your hoe is", Terry Steindel, a realtor from the Ramsey, Minnesota stated Sunday.
"This device not only makes my girlfriend's snatch smell like a towel-head middle-eastern cab driver, but it also makes it not smell like a vagina... which is nasty."
Steindel, who recently stuffed local mailboxes with a cheap Staples brand double sided black and white photocopy of his latest pamphlet entitled, "Why I am are the best lover", continued...
"It makes her vagina smell like a Iraqi, and it makes my balls smell like an equally-attractive pine-scented computer support engineer from India."
Computer manufacturers Dell and Gateway could not be reached for comment as of press.
Aaron Eilerts, 14, from Eagle Grove, Iowa; Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13, of Omaha; and Ben Petrzilka,13 were postumusly awarded the uber-rare and coveted "Tornado merit badge," it was reported Saturday.
