Please God No

It's a Case Oh XMAS in April!

President Jimmy Carter recently shared his excitement about the future of Artificial Intelligence, it was reported Sunday.

"A.I. is so exciting and I can't wait to see where we are ten, maybe even twenty years from now", Carter was quoted as saying from his hospice bed.

"Definitely check back with me in a few years and I'd love to share my evolving thoughts on this subject".

In a desperate bid to liquidate an entire truckload of My Pillows, embattled election denier and business mogul Mike Lindell, was observed crashing through a heavily reenforced militarized checkpoint leading into the Gaza strip.

Updates as they happen.

In a awfully fun development today, it was revealed that "Grandma has myasthenia gravis I guess", according to Dad.

"Yeah, I guess that's a thing now", continued Dad, "It's kind of hard to say but it is a pretty fun word, try it".

No further information about grandma's diagnosis had been revealed at the time of this post.

...also like 5,000 other people dead.

In a surprising move Friday afternoon, senior Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh offered a glimpse of hope to missing and abducted victims of the recent Mideast uprising.

"What the fuck happened to Amy Grant anyway", Haniyeh was quoted speaking through an interpreter this afternoon.

"I mean, fuck. Tell me where she disappeared to and I'll tell you where your people have disappeared to".

"All the cards are on the table - we are ready to negotiate. This whole thing could have been avoided - it's always been about Amy".

Amy Grant, a once beloved and cherished singer and songwriter made famous for her positive messages and songs about Jesus and love, could not be found for comment.

Discussions with mentally challenged individuals can be difficult. This can be especially difficult during confusing times like puberty or a systematic exterminating genocide war perpetrated by a terrorist organization.

Some tips to effectively communicate with your retarded Israeli child asking impossibly hard questions about life's simple issues.

1. Learn to speak Hebrew - Believe it or not, even a retarded Israeli child can understand concepts like "boom"! and "bang, bang, bang"!

2. Make sure the child can separate colors from one another and effectively use a wire-cutter and a Phillips screwdriver.

3. Reassure the child that Jesus simply could NOT exist or they would not; indeed, be retarded.

This is not a complete list but these three simple things can start the discussion on mind-numbingly complicated problems with even the most retarded of children.

In a stunning announcement, ex Whitehouse aide and woman at the center of Bill Clinton's presidential impeachment trial unveiled her slogan for her anticipated anti-bullying campaign.

"'Linda Tripp was a fat bitch'", Ms. Lewinsky announced during a spot on Good Morning America on Tuesday.

"Bullying is a very important problem to address, but Linda Tripp was a fat bitch", Lewinsky told a seemingly stunned Robin Roberts during the interview.

"Bullying is a plague that eats away at youth's self esteem and self worth in this country, and it needs to be addressed Robin", stated Lewinsky, "but even though she has unfortunately passed away, I still feel it is also important to address the facts. Linda was indeed a smelly, obese, no-good whore".

The segment was wrapped up quickly and sent to commercial. At the time of this writing, Ms. Lewinsky has not responded to our request for comment.

A tearful Sean Nienow admitted in an interview on Saturday that he might have "majorly fucked up" when it came to his business dealings and his post $600,000 loan from the government several years ago.

"I blew it", admitted Nienow, "I never thought they'd want their money back so badly".

"Apparently, they want to target a high-profile public official that is a month or two behind on payments", said the politician who is more than 30 months behind in his repayment to the Federal Government.

"Do you know what?? Fuck you guys! The fact that I stole all of this money from the government and have ignored their repeated attempts to settle have nothing to do with the fact that I am a Conservative politically-minded adult with a focus on self-responsibility and fiscal conservation".

Here is a letter I received recently. It was sent to me as well as a business that I trashed online...

Pleasegodno.com Team,

I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic for Pleasegodno.com

1. Your website Pleasegodno.com is not ranking top in Google organic searches for many competitive keyword phrases.

2. Your company is not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.

3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT for FREE.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company's website traffic and online reputation.

I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I think you should implement HTML5 designing and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

Sound interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you.
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Best Regards,
Ethan Lim
Asst. Vice President
(315)-895-1453
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PS: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

OK, dude. You are not spamming. Great. You studied my website first and wanted to help with business promotion. Really? Did you notice while you were closely studying my website that I am not actually a business and I am not selling anything (not even advertising)?
Asshole.
Spamming asshole dickwad.
Not only did he send this to me via cc: , but he also cc:'d the veterinary clinic in town that I've sword Jihad on. What an asshole!
Good Luck, Ethan Lim... When you start selling drugs out of your parent's basement let me know. I am sure they will be more proud of your work than they are now.