Please God No

President Jimmy Carter recently shared his excitement about the future of Artificial Intelligence, it was reported Sunday.

"A.I. is so exciting and I can't wait to see where we are ten, maybe even twenty years from now", Carter was quoted as saying from his hospice bed.

"Definitely check back with me in a few years and I'd love to share my evolving thoughts on this subject".

In a desperate bid to liquidate an entire truckload of My Pillows, embattled election denier and business mogul Mike Lindell, was observed crashing through a heavily reenforced militarized checkpoint leading into the Gaza strip.

Updates as they happen.

In a awfully fun development today, it was revealed that "Grandma has myasthenia gravis I guess", according to Dad.

"Yeah, I guess that's a thing now", continued Dad, "It's kind of hard to say but it is a pretty fun word, try it".

No further information about grandma's diagnosis had been revealed at the time of this post.

...also like 5,000 other people dead.

In a surprising move Friday afternoon, senior Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh offered a glimpse of hope to missing and abducted victims of the recent Mideast uprising.

"What the fuck happened to Amy Grant anyway", Haniyeh was quoted speaking through an interpreter this afternoon.

"I mean, fuck. Tell me where she disappeared to and I'll tell you where your people have disappeared to".

"All the cards are on the table - we are ready to negotiate. This whole thing could have been avoided - it's always been about Amy".

Amy Grant, a once beloved and cherished singer and songwriter made famous for her positive messages and songs about Jesus and love, could not be found for comment.

Discussions with mentally challenged individuals can be difficult. This can be especially difficult during confusing times like puberty or a systematic exterminating genocide war perpetrated by a terrorist organization.

Some tips to effectively communicate with your retarded Israeli child asking impossibly hard questions about life's simple issues.

1. Learn to speak Hebrew - Believe it or not, even a retarded Israeli child can understand concepts like "boom"! and "bang, bang, bang"!

2. Make sure the child can separate colors from one another and effectively use a wire-cutter and a Phillips screwdriver.

3. Reassure the child that Jesus simply could NOT exist or they would not; indeed, be retarded.

This is not a complete list but these three simple things can start the discussion on mind-numbingly complicated problems with even the most retarded of children.

In a stunning announcement, ex Whitehouse aide and woman at the center of Bill Clinton's presidential impeachment trial unveiled her slogan for her anticipated anti-bullying campaign.

"'Linda Tripp was a fat bitch'", Ms. Lewinsky announced during a spot on Good Morning America on Tuesday.

"Bullying is a very important problem to address, but Linda Tripp was a fat bitch", Lewinsky told a seemingly stunned Robin Roberts during the interview.

"Bullying is a plague that eats away at youth's self esteem and self worth in this country, and it needs to be addressed Robin", stated Lewinsky, "but even though she has unfortunately passed away, I still feel it is also important to address the facts. Linda was indeed a smelly, obese, no-good whore".

The segment was wrapped up quickly and sent to commercial. At the time of this writing, Ms. Lewinsky has not responded to our request for comment.