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Burnt Iraqi Boy feels Brando-Rific!

Burned Iraqi child finds solace in Marlon Brando.

"It's amazing how some gasoline and a match instantly transformed me into a Marlon Brando look-alike", Youssif, the young Iraqi boy stated this week.
"When I looked like a normal, adorable human being, I felt terrific... But now I feel BRANDO-RIFIC!!!"
Youssif's mother reports that she has never found her young son so full of vigor and spunk.
"When our house is not being shelled, we are not being raped by insurgents, and our men are not being removed from our houses and shot execution style in the street, young Youssif brings a smile to everyone's face!"
"Thanks for bringing stability, safety, and unity to our country George Bush!" Youssif and his mother said in tandem.
Over the laughter of his mother and mustering his best Vito Corleone, young Youssif said "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."

Trapped Utah mine workers to be lowered board games, puzzles, and citizenship packets.

A full week after the Utah mine collapse that left six miners stranded, new help is coming in the form of Yahtzee boards and nationalization papers.

"There is only one thing that will kill a group of six illegal immigrant mine workers quicker than being buried under thousands of tons of coal," said Robert Murray in a news conference Monday afternoon, "And that's boredom."

"We want to make sure we give them every survival advantage necessary. We stopped the tunneling process more than 48 hours ago to concentrate our manpower on more pressing issues; Making sure every trapped miner was lowered enough entertainment and beef jerky to make it until we can reach them sometime in early November 2009."

"We also had the idea of lowering clip boards and immigration applications down the 8 3/4" tunnel we have already drilled. That way they will already be ahead of the game in the application for citizenship that will be required for them to sue us when they get out."
According to Murray, many other ideas were passed around the meeting table before the novelty snacks, paperwork, and games were settled on.
"Candles, pornography, and even blankets were all options on the table at one point during the discussion," Chuckled Murray. "Hell, Johnson even brought up the idea of sending down clean drinking water!"

Mormons are completely fucking retarded.

Mormons... Dumb.

Joseph Smith was the only one of Jesus' disciples to get shot in the face with a gun.
Of all religions, I would have to say the Mormonism is the most delusionally retarded.
The fact that we have a presidential candidate that believes this crap is almost as offensive as our current president that believes this crap.
I have respect for most people's religious views. Catholics, Baptists, Jews, and even Pastafarians.
But Mormonism is just outright ridiculous.
One of the scariest things about Mormons, is that they have the capacity to believe anything... No matter how insanely and comically unsensical.
"(The book of Mormon) was done in a space of three months, using scribes while Smith translated (from golden plates) from behind a curtain."
If the level of sophistication required to brainwash millions of people into a religion was displayed by Smith, we all have the capacity to start a religion.
After all, there must be a group of people in the world that would tithe to a religion that was rooted in a story of a guy like me, sitting in my bathroom with a black light, reading my wall splattered feces like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.
Just as logical, and just as ridiculous.

Tim vs. The Pro Shop at Sea Star

The Pro Shop at Sea Star
I despise junk mail. Especially when you KNOW they got your address by farming it from an improperly sent mass email.
Sometimes replying with "unsubscribe" doesn't cut it.

The Pro Shop at Sea Star Swim School
127 Sanders Ferry Road Hendersonville, TN
Office: 615.822.8800

To :
Subject : Re: Tax Free Weekend performing DVDA on your mom

Hey assholes,
Thanks for adding me to your email list by mining another email list from a friend of mine who sends me triathlete stuff. You giant a-holes should learn some email addition etiquette and stop farming email addresses from other people's lists. It's complete bullshit. Take me off your shitty cold-email blind-siding triathlete list. I am too fat to fit into your products, and I live in Minnesota. Thanks for all the spam, assholes. Don't make me call your ass on the phone and verbally abuse you and your questionable emailing practices.
P.S. Next time I need a camel-back I will find another fat chick at a bar, not order an overpriced Chinese made bladder bullshit from a crappy-ass tax-free fitness store that fought to preserve slavery in the Civil War.
P.P.S. Enjoy your new Time magazine, Playboy, Mad magazine, Organic Gardening, Rolling Stone, Mother Earth, PC Review, Maxim, Midwest Homes, Better Homes and Gardens, National Geographic (with no boobs), Gay email practices Monthly, Why is my business failing quarterly, and 101 mistakes that guarantee you a spot in hell Digest. The magazines and the bills will be arriving at your place shortly.
P.P.P.S. Fuck you.