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I'm sorry Alltel, you don't suck. :(

I'm sorry Alltel... My bad. I should have been more understanding. Why did I jump to such angry conclusions about your customer relations team and the service you do (or don't) provide. Attached are the emails that Alltel sent me to clear the whole situation up.

Me : "I just finished over an hour and a half worth of discussions with 7 different people with Alltel about my phone. I purchased a new phone 10 months ago from Midwest Wireless. Evidentally Alltel bought them out and my service changed. My web browser does not work (I am paying for it) and every time I send a text message now I get a text message sent back to me within a minute or so telling me the message has been deposited.
I have gone around and round with Sales, Technical Support, retention, customer service.
Finally I have been told that my Midwest Wireless phone is not compatible with your service. It is not my fault that in good faith I signed a contract with Midwest Wireless and you bought the contract from them and can no longer provide me with the service I am paying for.
After the last person I talked to there, a supervisor, they offered me a 1 year pricing on a new phone but I was told that I would have to replace all three phones even though I am not concerned about the other phone's text messaging or web browsing features.
There is nothing wrong with my phone and it is absolutely absurd to put the burden of making your system work with it on me. I have been a MidWest Wireless customer for almost 8 years and this is the single most frustrating problem I have ever had with a cellphone.
I could count the number of times I called Midwest Wireless in 8 years on 1 hand. I have made more than a half dozen calls to you in the last 9 months and have transferred around, given conflicting information, and wasted hours of your time and mine.
I would like my phone to work with your
system or I would like a replacement phone
that works with your system. I'm not
completely opposed to paying a small price
but I am opposed to paying a penalty for
replacing a perfectly good phone that, by no
fault of my own, is incompatible with your
system. "

In defense of Alltel, they did not reply to me withing 8 days so I wrote the following note:
"I just wanted to make sure you got this message. I am not surprised you have not even responded to me in 8 days. I will be resending this message every 3 days until I get an answer."

I got a prompt answer to that email! Maybe they care about their customers.... or maybe not...
"Thank you for taking the time to email The Alltel Online Customer Service Center. My name is Kathryn, and I am pleased to assist you with information regarding your equipment.

I do apologize for the wait due to high email volume. I reviewed your account and it showed that you have been explained that you will need to update to an Alltel equipment in order to have your text messaging working.

If you will like for your text messaging to work, you will need to switch equipments. I do apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

If I can provide additional assistance, please let me know.

Again, we appreciate your business and thank you for choosing Alltel.


Customer Service Specialist
The Alltel Online Customer Service Center"

Here is my response to my collective 5 hours of time trying to get everything amicably sorted out,
"What a wonderful and completely satisfying answer!!!! Did you write that all by yourself? It is awesome that you completely and accurately answered all my concerns about your service! Thank you so much for the individual attention you have given me!
Thank you for reiterating the obvious and providing absolutely nothing that could be considered an answer!
I am so happy I spend my hard-earned money with a company that is so customer-oriented and thorough as the Alltel customer support staff!!!!
You have earned my business and definitely offer the highest in customer service... I even wrote an article about it on my blog!!!!
Fantastic! You guys rock!
Your letter made me believe that I was not only a customer, but I was a part of the Alltel network! Thank you so much!

I would like to talk to somebody in charge who did not graduate with a technical degree in bullshit and would love to address my concerns in an intelligable, thoughtful, and honest way. I am sorry this is not you. :-( When you read my concerns, typed (more likely copy and pasted) them into a halfway intelligible sentence, and then sent me back an email containing these items. I thought.... All I wanted was cell phone service... but now it looks like I have a Harvard Laureate.
I am sure that your parent's would be proud of you if you sold drugs or sold your ass on the street, but to be an Alltel representative? TRAGIC!
You have not fixed, or even addressed, my questions. I thought I had hit an incompetent manager, but now I find out I have reached a staff, that when tested, has a lower understanding of customer service and business relations than Terry Shiavo. What a cocky, indifferent, asshole move you have pulled on me.
Your customer relations does not make you earn my business. Your customer support does not retain my business. You are the most absurdly incompetent, inefficient, confused, and utterly self-centered company I have ever had the experience of working with.
I pledge, that from this day forward, I will spend my days smearing your name through the mud, I will waste no expense defiling your name and telling everyone I know what a completely incompetent, absurdly unorganized, and shiftty organization you have. I am usually such a calm guy... And I have worked in customer service jobs for years.
You suck ass. You make every other company in the world that is trying to do the right thing look bad. MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES!!! "

Alltel sucks ass. They tickle your nuts and then don't even finish the job.. They will be on my radar until they fix this problem or go out of business.
Fuck Alltel

Alltel Wireless unveils new motto, "Fuck you".

In a bazaar new public relations campaign, Alltel Wireless unveiled it's new marketing strategy this week.
"'Fuck you'. Simple and to the point," Alltel's president and chief executive officer Scott Ford said during an interview on Tuesday.
He continued, "There are lots of choices in the competitive wireless market these days. Anyone can give you competent, satisfying, and fair cell phone service. We like to think we're different. We like to provide a service to a niche market of users that find themselves longing for a huge penis to be rammed in their anus with no lubrication. Our new motto really sums up our feelings for our customers."
According to Ford, the company had played with several other ideas for a new tag line over the past year.
"There were several ideas we played with. 'Fuck your mother', 'Scat eating', 'Salad tossing' were all ideas that were on the table at one point. Finally someone said, 'Fuck you' and we knew, at that moment, the simple genius of these two words. It sums up our company spirit so well."
"I was raping a 87 year old invalid at a nursing home recently just to be an asshole. That is how dedicated I am to my position, this company, our stockholders, and your mother, who likes to be showered with frothy golden ropes of my urine."

Las Vegas School Bus Stop Shooting. 6 Shot. Fat girl involved.

Chubby chasing turned deadly outside of Las Vegas on Tuesday when, in something that can only be described as a "complete mystery", a fight over a really gross and nasty fat girl turned into gunshots at a school bus stop.
"I've shot at people to defend my territory over really good looking anorexic chicks, but to shoot more than 3 or 4 people when fighting over a really really fat chick is just inexcusable," a student close to the case stated during a late Tuesday interview.
Stacy Sparks, the fat girl in question during this incident, was approached by one of our's reporters for a statement.
"Hmmm (inaudible) Hummmmppphh (inaudible) Taco Bellll(inaudible)....Mayo(inaudible)......Butter sticks and Bacon... (inaudible)... Whale blubber on a quesadilla (inaudible)."
"Clearly the young lady is still in shock. Her blood sugar dropped through the floor during the 3 minute police interview earlier this afternoon. It makes one why you would expend any effort on a fat chick... Especially THIS fat chick." Pediatrician Dr. Wendy Mavry stated during an exclusive interview.
One of the shot students was quoted as saying, "FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK, That FAT BITCH got me shot!!!!! OHHHHH GOD!!!"
Deputy Howard Melford stated, "Since (the shooter) has been admitted to our facilities, (the shooter) has been on a 48 hour suicide watch. The fear is that once (the shooter) realizes what he has done, he could become suicidal. Especially because this young lady is just so, so nasty and fat."

Commentary - I would shoot up a mall too if I got fired from McDonalds.

Our New Commentary section - Ask Willie!
We here at are proud to present our newest feature commentary section, entitled "Ask Willie" which features intelligent insight by our newest guest writer Willie Horton. Willie is best remembered as the robber and rapist that cost Michael Dukakis the presidential election in 1988. We look forward to his intelligent and comical take on events in the world.

After hearing the news of the horrifying events that took place in the Nebraska mall this week, I started thinking. Richard Hawkins was a misunderstood guy. If I got fired from McDonalds, I would probably shoot up a mall too.
While I don't specifically condone the actions of this troubled individual, I definitely see how being removed from a menial 6 dollar an hour job could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Everyone has lost a job at some point in their life, but the horrific realization that you are not even competent enough to perform the most menial of duties? Terrible.
Some set blame the antidepressants this kid was reported as taking. Some say blame the society at large for ignoring the needs of one of their own. I say blame McDonalds.
Sure he was caught taking money from the till, who hasn't? The least they could have done is demote him to "French Fry Maker" where alongside the handicapped employees he could have retained something that resembled an existence.
McDonalds should realize that for $6 an hour, you have purchased an employee that will occasionally take a $5 bill for a pack of cigarettes from the drawer. You have NOT purchased or paid for a Harvard laureate with the integrity and moral fiber not to dip into the company's loose change.

Richard Hawkins had an undiagnosed poor penmanship disorder

"Of all undiagnosed problems of Richard Hawkins, the most heart-wrenching one was his poor penmanship," stated Dr. Tom Jenkins, a clinical psychologist for the Omaha based Children's hospital in an interview Friday.
"To have a friend or family member who is so unstable that he would shoot and kill 8 people and then himself is one thing, but his terrible handwriting must be tearing at the heartstrings of all of the family members who lost loved ones in the Nebraska mall shooting."
"His O's barely look like O's. His T's are all shaky. And I don't even know what the hell this thing is!" Dr. Jenkins exclaimed while pointing at a copy of the suicide note.
"All of the warning signs were there, the chicken-scratch Post-Its in his room, to the birthday card given to his mother. Why didn't somebody realize what was happening to him? Why didn't somebody intervene sooner? I don't want to live in a world where someone can go through their whole life with this serious disorder. Absolutely unforgivable."
"Every time anyone thinks about Richard Hawkins, they will automatically think about his horrible, horrible penmanship. That is the legacy he has left behind."