Please God No

We here at pleasegodno.com are proud to present our newest feature commentary section, entitled "Ask Willie" which features intelligent insight by our newest guest writer Willie Horton. Willie is best remembered as the robber and rapist that cost Michael Dukakis the presidential election in 1988. We look forward to his intelligent and comical take on events in the world.

I told you crackers!! You will be lucky if you don't get sued, and you will be EXTREMELY lucky if you get your money back!
It was about a month ago when someone told me about ASD Cash Generator. They claimed to have already made $60,000 surfing around on websites. Sounds too easy. eh? Dumb cracker should have seen it was a Ponzi Scam.

If you don't know what a Ponzi scam is let me tell you. It is a business model that basically collects money from new investors so they can pay existing investors huge returns on their investment, with no real income or business model.
After the wonderful news about how much my friend had earned using this system I checked it out.
1000% user-based growth in the last 6 months? Being awarded the Presidential medal of distinction by the president himself? What a wonderful and trust-worthy company!

If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

After their website was shut down for nearly a month because of "explosive growth" and hiding behind the culprit of "having to design a new website to manage their explosive traffic", they finally came back online about a week ago. They came back online but did not allow new signups because they were "working on their new signup form". What kind of stupid fucking moron cracker would believe that? Any business that relies on customers for it's income stream would not shut down the "signup" form so they could "have a group a programmers working day and night to redesign it"
Let me show you.

--------Sample signup form------
Name =
Address =
Phone number =
email address =
{echo} sumbit
-------End of signup form------

I am a stupid black man, and have lost approximately 30% of my income to get rich quick schemes. (And an addition 30% to Buffalo wings and cheap wine), and I KNEW this was a scam.

All you ASD cheerleaders KISS MY CRACKER BLACK ASS! You are now served!

Everything they told you was a lie.

I am not saying no one ever made any money during this obviously painful Ponzi scheme. I am saying that you might not have only lost your money, but you might even be SUED for the income you have gathered from this company!

Stupid crackers!
Willy out.

A production of the popular musical "Annie" at a Knoxville, TN Unitarian church had trouble staying on script, it was reported Sunday.
"I was all into Annie's portrayal of a disenfranchised young orphan growing up in the 1920's", stated church member Marla Staples. "I could empathize with her struggle against oppressive authoritarian figures. Annie is a care-free role model for all of us. She ultimately displays the spirit and the anti-establishment feelings a lot of us have growing up in a diverse environment. Also she got all shot up and killed."
"This play totally sucked ass", another congregation member stated, "I was all into this play until about 45 minutes into it. Then all of the sudden, some guy with a shotgun started killing folk (people) and I was like 'damn son' what the hell? They totally went off script with this one."
Assistant youth counselor at the church Wendy McNally further stated, "We try hard to instill a sense of pride in one's portrayal of most all of Broadway Play's actors, but during rehearsal when they introduced the "Disgruntled-Food Stamp Collecting-Shotgun Wielding-Homeless-Homicidal-Maniac character during the climax of the play that inevitably shoots 9 congregation members and kills at least one of them... I was like 'damn, this shit is stupid'."

Former Press Secretary Tony Snow has unexpectedly taken a new position at the DOPOH (the Department Of the President Of Hell), it was reported Saturday.
During an exclusive interview via satellite phone this afternoon, Snow expressed gratitude for his new role.
"My conscious bothers me a lot less now! I honestly feel more favorably about the administration I represent here than I did during my term at the White House. I wake up refreshed knowing that all I have to do (here in hell) is lie about murdered babies and defend child rapists! This job requires way less manipulation and double talk than was expected of me working for the Bush administration!"
Probed further about his current role working for Beelzebub , Snow continued, "I lied the United States into slaughtering more than 3,000 American soldiers and tens of thousands of civilians in Iraq. I lied... And I was good at it. That's why I feel qualified for this position in the underworld and that's why I feel like this job suits me. It is right up my alley. I mean some people were made to grow crops, some were born to smelt metal into tools, some were born to program electronic and computer devices, and some were born to defend serial-murdering baby-eating shit-snacking baby rapers. I feel like I am the later."
The Dark Prince declined to take part in this phone interview but regarding their new relationship Snow also added, "Satan has been very good to me here; We play cards, talk about stamp collecting, and throw lawn darts. He even replaced my hair and missing cancer-ridden (butt hole) large intestine."

Aaron Eilerts, 14, from Eagle Grove, Iowa; Josh Fennen, 13, Sam Thomsen, 13, of Omaha; and Ben Petrzilka,13 were postumusly awarded the uber-rare and coveted "Tornado merit badge," it was reported Saturday.
"These rare and sought-after badges are reserved only for our special Scouts that are crushed by tornado debris," stated current National President John Gottschalk in a telephone interview.
"You can build a fire from sticks, use a bow to shoot an apple off of your friend's head, and even leather work a rawhide baby seal into a wallet and this badge will still elude you."
"We feel our remarkable young men who are caught off guard by tornadoes are especially heroic. Their heroic actions make us all pause and think about the horrible, horrible, series of events that happened that fateful night in Iowa. What brave young men it took to so heroically be crushed by tornado debris. They are an inspiration to us all. "

"We now have a new Ziploc product in our line of multi-use plastic resealable bags. From snack, to sandwich, to freezer, to storage, and now to fetuses", announced newly appointed SC Johnson vice-president Beth Simermeyer on Wednesday.
"Our new 'Fetus Savers!' line of resealable home or back alley abortion bags will hopefully positively reinforce our market share and investor trust as an innovative and edgy company that has it's consumer's best interests at heart."
"The new bags hold approximately 20-30 first trimester fetuses, 10-12 second trimester fetuses, or at least 2 full term or full term partial birth fetus remnants... All with no pesky amniotic or fetal fluid spillage. Our competitors can't say that!"
"These bags are freezer and microwave safe and contain an interlocking air tight zipper seal that guarantees that your fetus will stay as fresh as the day your boyfriend got a pay day advance loan to cover your $300 abortion."

Males all over the country praised the new line of "anti-vaginal stink" condoms released by Trojan brand condoms this week.
"It is a standard latex condom with a Pine-scented car freshener attached to the base", stated Trojan CEO Linda Kaplan Thaler earlier this afternoon. "No pregnancy, no STD's, and now... no smell! What an innovation!"
"If a vagina doesn't stink, it's an anomaly, I don't care how fat or skinny your hoe is", Terry Steindel, a realtor from the Ramsey, Minnesota stated Sunday.
"This device not only makes my girlfriend's snatch smell like a towel-head middle-eastern cab driver, but it also makes it not smell like a vagina... which is nasty."
Steindel, who recently stuffed local mailboxes with a cheap Staples brand double sided black and white photocopy of his latest pamphlet entitled, "Why I am are the best lover", continued...
"It makes her vagina smell like a Iraqi, and it makes my balls smell like an equally-attractive pine-scented computer support engineer from India."
Computer manufacturers Dell and Gateway could not be reached for comment as of press.

*****10-20-08 Update to this story*****
In May I drew this cartoon and posted a satirical article regarding a fake Obama food stamp plan. This article was complete satire and I wanted to let anyone reading this know that this was not a slight on Obama at all. It was a satirical look at some of the Fox News watching right-wingers out there that are afraid of a government that sponsors welfare type programs.
It was intended to poke fun at the unrealistic fears and agenda of racism that a fringe element of Republicans strongly embrace.
Evidently, people that did not take the satirical nature of the article in to account and not exploring other posts on this site forwarded my "Obama Bucks" food stamp image to their racist right wing counterparts.
So now this is a major news story.
Some dumb ass from the right wing group Chaffey Community Republican Women led by a housewife named Diane Fedele, thought it would be a good image to include in their Republican newsletter.
What a complete moron.
Ms. Fedele has stated that she didn't notice the watermelon, ribs, and KFC chicken images in the picture and just thought it looked like food.
This image was created to take to task a minority of Republicans that are racist and paranoid about someone with a different skin color. I was making fun of Republicans, not at all trying to be racist towards Barack Obama.
I appreciate all of the attention, but the people targeted in this news piece are the people I am fighting for! The minorities. The welfare recipients, and the pissed off black chick with hazel colored eyes. This "cartoon" (as described in the media), was meant to empower African Americans to stand up for and defend themselves against racial intolerance. This "cartoon" was prescribed to showcase the racial hatred and intolerance towards the "left" and it's liberal "welfare" economic plan.
Guess what? The radical right picked up this fumble and ran with it right into the opponents goal line.
The fact that a website like this exists is not evidence of racial hatred or divide, but the fact that an image taken from this website was used in a legitimate publication to promote the Conservative agenda must be proof of either existing racism or utter stupidity.
The original article and illustration from May 26th is included unedited below.
*****10-20-08 End of Update*****

In another move to appeal to the large African-American voter base, presidential candidate Barack Obama released his new "Obama bucks" food stamp program, it was reported Monday.
"Barack cares about his constituents", Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe stated in an interview Monday.
"Not only will this move expand the much needed food stamp program that ensures sustenance for millions of (black) children and needy adults, but it will also remind (the black) constituents of what they are at the store to buy. We see it as a win-win situation for the (black) community. It is like cash with a shopping list printed on it."
"Red Kool-Aid, fried chicken, watermelon, and even pork ribs are displayed on the document as a reminder", Plouffe continued, "The food stamp amount correlates to the cost of the item. For example, the $10 food stamp has things like ribs and chicken, while the $5 food stamp relevantly displays Collard Greens, and grape soda."

The United State Postal Service released it's new Myanmar themed stamps, it was reported today.
"What a terrible tragedy this country has suffered", stated United States Postmaster General John Potter. "What a reassuring and supportive thing we are doing for this devastated nation."
Asked about the choice of photos selected for the stamps, "What best sums up this country? Vast oil fields? Riches of gold and iron? It's lucrative child sex business? No", stated Potter, "It's the dead bloated black corpses flowing down the muddy embankments of the Salween river."
"We have a very selective system of choosing what images to use on stamps. First; we do market research to see what stamps will sell. Secondly, we create test run plates that further gauge the market. And lastly, we put dead bloated black people floating in bodies of water on them. This isn't something we just issue without the proper research."
The reception to these stamps has thus far received luke-warm praise, with retail sales only half that of the moderately popular "The Girls of Columbine" commemorative stamp set issued last year featuring the scantly-clad and often wheel chair bound female victims of the infamous school shooting.

The Catholic community was stunned this week with the release of a horribly distasteful photo of Pope Benedict XVI shoveling Jews into a ditch.
"We thought we knew this cult-obsessed satan-worshiper better than this", stated local Catholic ex-cable installer Jeff Tornes. "I would have felt differently about drinking Kitten blood while chanting in tongues if I had known about 'the popes' past."
Often suspected, although never proven, the Pope's picture has been a wake up call for many American Catholics this week.
"I can't believe our spiritual leader and giver of sheep's blood and smoking incense-giving savior could do this to our people", said a long time congregation member of the Springfield, Illinois 'Church of the Immaculate Conception' congregation.
"We thought that he probably was singularly responsible for our salvation and forgiveness. We thought that following and worshiping him would make up for our complete lack of trust and faith in Jesus Christ. Now we know. He shoveled Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer... And he even wore a 'Pope Hat'!!!"
"Why would he have dressed like a pope... With a Pope hat and gold-plated robes," stated another member of the church.
"I mean, what a complete jackass."
"If he is going to shovel Jews into a ditch with a bulldozer, I am totally going to eat a McDonalds McRibb Sandwich every single motherfucking Friday from now until the end of time. Fuck that nigger."

I know a lot of readers of pleasegodno.com think that I just throw this shit together, and that I just kick back a few beers and pound on the keyboard twice a month and throw up a random 5 minute picture poking fun at someone less fortunate.
The Pope's visit got me thinking though, and I knew that I had to spend at least 10 minutes on a story for him. After all, he's the Pope!
I struggled with different ideas for this one. Of course there were the old standbys. The Pope on the toilet, the Pope clubbing baby seals, and even the Pope in a German gay porn movie. All of these ideas seemed a little sophomoric, so I settled on a picture of the holy pontiff on a bulldozer.
Here is a conceptual story board of the idea I had for the Pope article.
This proves, that no matter how poorly written and terrible it is, that I DO plan ahead. I do put at the very least a little teeny weeny bit of effort into the website.
Here is the conceptual drawing for the pope's visit.

In another cost-cutting measure, Jack Link's Jerky Inc, announced it's new standard .35 ounce beef jerky pack today.
"We feel that this is the best move for the consumer; same price, 72 ounce bag with triple resealable interlocking 'freshness connectors', and less Jerky. Our customers have spoken", aging founder Jack Link said during an interview on Sunday.
"Sure the customers are getting a little less of our wonderful and satisfying dried meat product, but for 8 dollars they are still getting a killer resealable bag that will end up on the passenger's side floor of their car until it is dug out of the seat adjustment mechanism months later."
"We used to sell 4 ounces of dried meat for 4 bucks, then we knocked it down to 3.65 ounces, and now, we are pleased to announce, our newest in our line of satisfying jerky products... The .35 ounce jerky stick in a 72 ounce triple Tupperware brand resealable sack. I think consumers are at a real advantage on this one."