Please God No

We here at pleasegodno.com are proud to present our newest feature commentary section, entitled "Ask Willie" which features intelligent insight by our newest guest writer Willie Horton. Willie is best remembered as the robber and rapist that cost Michael Dukakis the presidential election in 1988. We look forward to his intelligent and comical take on events in the world.

After hearing the news of the horrifying events that took place in the Nebraska mall this week, I started thinking. Richard Hawkins was a misunderstood guy. If I got fired from McDonalds, I would probably shoot up a mall too.
While I don't specifically condone the actions of this troubled individual, I definitely see how being removed from a menial 6 dollar an hour job could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Everyone has lost a job at some point in their life, but the horrific realization that you are not even competent enough to perform the most menial of duties? Terrible.
Some set blame the antidepressants this kid was reported as taking. Some say blame the society at large for ignoring the needs of one of their own. I say blame McDonalds.
Sure he was caught taking money from the till, who hasn't? The least they could have done is demote him to "French Fry Maker" where alongside the handicapped employees he could have retained something that resembled an existence.
McDonalds should realize that for $6 an hour, you have purchased an employee that will occasionally take a $5 bill for a pack of cigarettes from the drawer. You have NOT purchased or paid for a Harvard laureate with the integrity and moral fiber not to dip into the company's loose change.

"Of all undiagnosed problems of Richard Hawkins, the most heart-wrenching one was his poor penmanship," stated Dr. Tom Jenkins, a clinical psychologist for the Omaha based Children's hospital in an interview Friday.
"To have a friend or family member who is so unstable that he would shoot and kill 8 people and then himself is one thing, but his terrible handwriting must be tearing at the heartstrings of all of the family members who lost loved ones in the Nebraska mall shooting."
"His O's barely look like O's. His T's are all shaky. And I don't even know what the hell this thing is!" Dr. Jenkins exclaimed while pointing at a copy of the suicide note.
"All of the warning signs were there, the chicken-scratch Post-Its in his room, to the birthday card given to his mother. Why didn't somebody realize what was happening to him? Why didn't somebody intervene sooner? I don't want to live in a world where someone can go through their whole life with this serious disorder. Absolutely unforgivable."
"Every time anyone thinks about Richard Hawkins, they will automatically think about his horrible, horrible penmanship. That is the legacy he has left behind."

Donda West, mother of infamous rapper Kanye West, was reported, "Dead as shit, Nigger" during a phone interview with a family friend on Wednesday.
The West's family friend, speaking on the condition of anonymity, also stated, "She used to be so vibrant and full of life. Now she is not... Whatsoever. She was a fighter all the way to the end. Her last words were 'I'm gonna pop a cap in that ghetto biatch (Dr. Jan Adams)!'"
"Kanye has already started working his next album, dedicated to his mother's memory. The title track, which is almost finished, is entitled, 'Are Mommas boobs still smaller in heaven?'".
"Some of the other tracks for this tribute album have also been released. 'Gap tooth hoe (gotta go)', 'Momma ain't so good at checkers anymore..', 'Call the cellphone company to change my "fav five"', and the haunting melody titled, 'Why do Black People get Tattoos?'"
"She will be missed by all. She was such a warm and caring person but not anymore because she is completely dead."

Fiber One = constant flatulenceStep aside Kashi GoLEAN Crunch, and say hello to Fiber One Bars. Never, ever in my entire life, have a dropped as much ass as I do after eating these. I mean, check out the nutrition label, it speaks for itself!
I've done some research and evidently it's the chicory root that causes the gas. I don't know about all that, but I do know that the human body is not designed to do what it does after eating these bars.
Fiber One bars are yummy and chocolaty. Fiber One bars are also snacks that are forged in the depths of hell by Satan himself.
When I think back on the top ten loudest and longest farts of my life, I can honestly say 10 of them happened all at once about 2 hours after eating a Fiber One bar.
I conducted an unscientific test to see if others were affected like I was.
One person told me they farted so loud that they woke them self up in the middle of the night. Another told me that her drug free childbirth was much more comfortable than her brush with the Fiber One bar.
Terry Schiavo would have run out of the room with some of the gas that I've had.
I would be interested in other people's experiences with Fiber One bars. Post them here!

-----Update 2-11-09-----
After sending a note to General Mills pointing them to this post, I received an email back from them. At least it's cool they have a sense of humor.
Dear Mr. Farts Alot:

Thank you for contacting General Mills and sharing your humor with us. I shared the website and it gave us a great laugh for the day.

Thank you for using our Fiber One products and have a great day!!!

Sincerely,

Imee B. Roberts
Consumer Services

-----Update 8-14-08-----
I am obviously not alone.
Let's start posting actual recordings of your actual farts here on this thread! Please record your greatest Fiber One farts via any means necessary! (Recorder, cell phone, computer mic, etc). I will post them here! It will be a GAS! Please convert your fart sounds into any readable computer format (.wav, .mp3, etc) and email them here.
I will "pass" the credit onto the "end" user. Don't be lazy! Record your Fiber One farts!!!

-----Update 1-16-11-----
Thanks to Andrew for a great Fiber one recording mix. As he states in his letter, "...you've got just about every possible type, the firecracker, the nuke, the deflating balloon, the machine gun...etc."
Truly a great mix of farts. Click here

Also thanks to T-bone Buttstank for their recording. Click here to listen

..And one more Verizon user who stated, "fiber 1 fart, sounds like a fart machine, but this is for real." Click here for this fart.

Parents and students lived every person's worst nightmare as another school shooter blasted his way onto the 10 o'clock news.
Upon hearing the news, parents streamed into the school looking for answers as well as their slightly grazed children.
"He was weird, and strange... and a bad shot," stated one student. "Definitely not NRA material. I mean, if you gave a monkey a gun and it shot at random, you would think it would severely injure more people. I mean; you know the term fish in a barrel, right?"
One student agreed, noting, "I'm surprised he even hit the target when he was shooting himself!"

Youssif did not even crack a smile while meeting his childhood heroes, it was reported Saturday.
"I know it's not the real Spider-Man," stated Youssif. "This is the single worst day of my life."
Youssif continued, "This is the most horrific single event I have ever been put through. Meeting this fake Spiderman and SpongeBob will be the singular memory that haunts me when I close my eyes at night. Every time I look in the mirror, I will be reminded about this horrifying event that forever shaped my existence."

Kevin Everett was quietly removed from thousands of American's fantasy football lineups Monday.

Get over it assholes. She's dead, and here's the pictures.
I am so sick of benefit concerts, memorials, and auto-erotic asphyxiation jerk off sessions about Princess Diana.
Sure people liked her; but for Christ's sake, I'm more upset about my civil liberties dying.
People liken Princess Diana to some kind of Mother-Mary-baked-into-a-grilled-cheese-sandwich type of bullshit.
She was a mother, a princess, and a wife.
And now she's dead.
She died in 20 minutes. We have been throwing circle jerk memorials for 5,259,487 minutes now.
Hurry up and die.

"It's amazing how some gasoline and a match instantly transformed me into a Marlon Brando look-alike", Youssif, the young Iraqi boy stated this week.
"When I looked like a normal, adorable human being, I felt terrific... But now I feel BRANDO-RIFIC!!!"
Youssif's mother reports that she has never found her young son so full of vigor and spunk.
"When our house is not being shelled, we are not being raped by insurgents, and our men are not being removed from our houses and shot execution style in the street, young Youssif brings a smile to everyone's face!"
"Thanks for bringing stability, safety, and unity to our country George Bush!" Youssif and his mother said in tandem.
Over the laughter of his mother and mustering his best Vito Corleone, young Youssif said "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."

A full week after the Utah mine collapse that left six miners stranded, new help is coming in the form of Yahtzee boards and nationalization papers.

"There is only one thing that will kill a group of six illegal immigrant mine workers quicker than being buried under thousands of tons of coal," said Robert Murray in a news conference Monday afternoon, "And that's boredom."

"We want to make sure we give them every survival advantage necessary. We stopped the tunneling process more than 48 hours ago to concentrate our manpower on more pressing issues; Making sure every trapped miner was lowered enough entertainment and beef jerky to make it until we can reach them sometime in early November 2009."

"We also had the idea of lowering clip boards and immigration applications down the 8 3/4" tunnel we have already drilled. That way they will already be ahead of the game in the application for citizenship that will be required for them to sue us when they get out."
According to Murray, many other ideas were passed around the meeting table before the novelty snacks, paperwork, and games were settled on.
"Candles, pornography, and even blankets were all options on the table at one point during the discussion," Chuckled Murray. "Hell, Johnson even brought up the idea of sending down clean drinking water!"

Joseph Smith was the only one of Jesus' disciples to get shot in the face with a gun.
Of all religions, I would have to say the Mormonism is the most delusionally retarded.
The fact that we have a presidential candidate that believes this crap is almost as offensive as our current president that believes this crap.
I have respect for most people's religious views. Catholics, Baptists, Jews, and even Pastafarians.
But Mormonism is just outright ridiculous.
One of the scariest things about Mormons, is that they have the capacity to believe anything... No matter how insanely and comically unsensical.
"(The book of Mormon) was done in a space of three months, using scribes while Smith translated (from golden plates) from behind a curtain."
If the level of sophistication required to brainwash millions of people into a religion was displayed by Smith, we all have the capacity to start a religion.
After all, there must be a group of people in the world that would tithe to a religion that was rooted in a story of a guy like me, sitting in my bathroom with a black light, reading my wall splattered feces like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.
Just as logical, and just as ridiculous.

I despise junk mail. Especially when you KNOW they got your address by farming it from an improperly sent mass email.
Sometimes replying with "unsubscribe" doesn't cut it.



The Pro Shop at Sea Star Swim School
127 Sanders Ferry Road Hendersonville, TN
Office: 615.822.8800

8-4-07
To : triathletes@mtscmasters.com
Subject : Re: Tax Free Weekend performing DVDA on your mom

Hey assholes,
Thanks for adding me to your email list by mining another email list from a friend of mine who sends me triathlete stuff. You giant a-holes should learn some email addition etiquette and stop farming email addresses from other people's lists. It's complete bullshit. Take me off your shitty cold-email blind-siding triathlete list. I am too fat to fit into your products, and I live in Minnesota. Thanks for all the spam, assholes. Don't make me call your ass on the phone and verbally abuse you and your questionable emailing practices.
foxisevil@gmail.com
P.S. Next time I need a camel-back I will find another fat chick at a bar, not order an overpriced Chinese made bladder bullshit from a crappy-ass tax-free fitness store that fought to preserve slavery in the Civil War.
P.P.S. Enjoy your new Time magazine, Playboy, Mad magazine, Organic Gardening, Rolling Stone, Mother Earth, PC Review, Maxim, Midwest Homes, Better Homes and Gardens, National Geographic (with no boobs), Gay email practices Monthly, Why is my business failing quarterly, and 101 mistakes that guarantee you a spot in hell Digest. The magazines and the bills will be arriving at your place shortly.
P.P.P.S. Fuck you.